And we keep living...

The moment I kept on walking was the moment I already knew I wanted to turn back. Even if I knew I was going back one day I was missing it already. Because on that moment my life was just that one day - new one was distant future and so my whole life was in on that day.

I realised that everything I wanted I had to make happen in that exact moment. No one will guarantee me that I can say tomorrow the things I'm holding in, that tomorrow will be the chance for me to go and do and be... Tomorrow is not here and all we have is today.
Our whole life with our past and wishful future is happening today.

Now it's a new day. Another day. Days have passed. And I haven't went back.
But since I'm wiser that I was yesterday... I'm going back today.
Can't miss another minute.
Going to move with the ones who teach me something new, move with the ones who will make me insanely happy, move with the ones who help me to become closer to breathing.
A year ago I wished I was in this moment I am today. It all worked out... and soon it will be even better.

Something is keeping us alive. And we keep living. Despite it all.

Meeletult ausam. Õrnem. Tõelisem.

On möödas peaegu aasta, kui ma kirjutasin #auskaisa2015 peatüki. On möödas aasta sellest kui arvasin, et nüüd olen aus. On möödas aasta ning lõpuks ma olen selle saavutanud.

Ma olen lõpuks saavutanud vabaduse - olla aus iseendaga ning vaadata, mida see muudab minu ümber. Huvitav on jälgida, kes kuulab ja leiab selles austust... ning keda see hirmutab. Kes leiab, et inimesed ei ole ikka ausad ning kes sellega näitavad, kui vähe nad suudavad üleüldse usaldada.
Mul võttis tegelikult, väga täpselt aasta, et siia jõuda.
Et olla aus.
Olla haavatav.
Olla inimene.
Kõige tormilisem aeg on möödas ning ma olen inimene. Täpselt nii nagu iga teine mu kõrval seisja.

Olla aus iseendaga ning keskendumine endale viis mu tee tagasi nende juurde, kes mind vajavad - ma saan taas aidata. Ma saan olla olemas, nii füüsiliselt kui vaimselt, oma lähedaste jaoks (mitte alati, aga ma teen püüdlusi sinna poole), ma leian endas energiat, et aidata. Et olla olemas. Inimesena.
Mitte oodata, et heade asjadega tegemine tekitaks minus head tunnet. Vaid leida endas valik ja vabadus... Levitada headust nagu armastust, mitte lasta sel levida nagu kulutuli.

Ma imestasin selle jutu üle, mida #auskaisa2015 tekitas nendes ("kuidas sa oled nii isekas ja tahad vaid endale head?"), kellele jäi arusaamatuks - et anda teistele head pead ise ka seest õitsema. 

Teised ei vääri su halva energiaga abi, isekat abi, ebakindlat abi...

Nüüd...
Kõik on rohkem õrnem ning seetõttu ka meeletult ilusam.
Meeletult ausam.
Tõelisem.

Enjoy it. Because it's happening.

Morning walk and coffee hunt in Vilnius turned into laughter, sightseeing and hanging out in good company. It's possible to go there every year and not take a break of the madness - it's possible to not see what's surrounding us. So we took a break from the beautiful dance chaos and strolled our way to Vilnius' center. Sunday morning thoughts and beautiful laughter woke us up and gave the day a great kick. 

Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself

I am amazed. I am amazed about every single person who finds a way into my life, or I find a way into theirs or we just somehow meet. I am amazed about those who are far away and still closer than neighbours. I am amazed about what life is bringing me or what I'm bringing to myself or what is just an overall coincidence.  

Sidenote: why it's still such a taboo to talk about our negative feelings? We're humans. The practice stands in learning how to cope with them, accept them and nourish them with love. 

Yet we see it as a weaknesses. Yet we all sometimes have them. 

We have all been there. Not anything special, not weaker than the person standing next to us and smiling on the outside... 

Life is too short to hide yourself.

Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself. 

. . . . . 

I am amazed. About this optimism that is not even aggressively coded in me. It's just there. With the good and bad. 

And I'm simply amazed. 

I accept

I have nothing to say.

Everything is real nice. 

Everything is real.

Everything is nice.

I tend to think, that it's not real, because it's so nice. But then I realise that it is real.

Life is full of surprises and I let myself to be surprised. 

Really surprising.

And it's real nice.

After a long time and after a long period of letting my leg rest and be still, it's time to start. 

1 / 30 days of yoga. Blissful, beautiful, a bit painful, but still rewarding. Connecting with me, being aware and healing the body. Literally healing the pain points in my leg and some in my back.
I discovered some hesitations, uncertainty in me and being guarded up. So yoga is not for the body at first - it's for the mind. Being as much present as I can, seeing and trying to figure out where are those feeling coming from and how can I make a better ending for the day.
It's not always pretty. People tend to think it is - but I guess it's the superficiality that comes from the social media. The fear of showing vulnerability, fear of giving the Universe bad thoughts and bad feelings, fear of being a human. Yet I'm here to tell that it's not always pretty. Simple part of being a human. Of course it doesn't mean bursting everything out, letting the emotions take the advantage of you... it's finding the balance of your thoughts, emotions, body and soul.
The journey of yoga.

Spring in my soul and on my skin.
Stay present. #selflove2016

Screaming "22"

"For all those years you have protected the seed... It's time to become the beautiful flower."

Week full of surprises, unknown connections, quiet thoughts and getting older. No wonder it has been a hectic ride - all this craziness turned my temperature up and mood somewhere in the middle. An awkward year of being 21 is now "so last year" and I'm here, ready to continue the #selflove2016.

After this magical yet "what the heck is going on" week my mind is blank. No, not the "I'm not feeling anything anymore"-blank. But it feels like a conscious balance - everything that life chooses to challenge me with is done or going to be done and I'm not nervous at all. Alright, maybe just a little, but it's the excited-nervousness... Accepting what is done and knowing that whatever comes is just a darling, little, adventure.
(At least I'm really hoping it is.)

The wish for 22 is to laugh with the adventure but take the passion with for a ride.
I do not know where I am after 4 months... but it feels like I'm walking home. Either way, it's going to be a home for me. Either way the option is beyond amazing.

Mul on kodu

Pole tähtust kelle oma
varem olin ja kelle sa.
Vaatamata tagasi
saame julgemalt elada.

Valgus annab mulle sooja,
kevadel siis õitsen ma.
Kelle oma? Iseenda.
Nii saan suureks kasvada.