It's 1:27am, yet again

Yet again
it's time to trust.
Whatever is meant to come to you
will flow there, will make room and take time.

Don't force and move against it;
stop running away
and start arriving.

Fuel yourself with yourself
and all things
wonderful
to you.

1:27 is for

1:27pm is for my
sun-kissed lovers,
who dream of doing nothing
and everything
in this world;
for my fearless doers,
who move so fast
yet know exactly when
to pause.


1:27am is for my
wholesome humans,
who don't know yet
that they have everything they need
in themselves;
for my writers
and creators
and dreamers
who either feel extreme joy
or
are growing through pain.


1:26 will make them feel
so fragile
that they want to quit.
1:27 gives them
nuances
to wait for the next step
or move
or next 1:27.

Running 127km/min

I keep searching home
because I thought
I lost it.

Yet when the new
apartment,
house or
shelter arrives
I keep running,
and running,
and running away.

Running because I want to
sleep under the
stars.

Too bright at 1:27pm

I can't open my eyes

when I see you

you look happier

and more calm

yet even more excited about living

and loving 

and going

you look like

you have landed

in your own home

yet the whole world

feels like your home now 

you look like 

you have accepted 

that there’s a lot of you

in you

in others

and in the people you love,

looks like

you have accepted 

that you are for those

who are willing to 

love the whole you 

you don’t just look happier

you feel happier 

and calmer

you look so bright

I can’t open my eyes 

Vaadata, kuidas ma sulan

Ma armastan hommikusöökide lõhna ja hommikuune vaikust; hommikusi tervitusi ja hommikust õhku. Ma armastan segada päikest õhtuga, vaadata, kuidas see sulab; segada end sellega, vaadata, kuidas ma sulan. Sulatada omavahel õhtused lained, õhtune linn ja õhtune ilm, õhtune mõte ja väsinud keel. Ja siis taas armastada hommikut. Hommiku ootust ja vahel ka tõrjutust päevale; armastan proovida armastada tervet päeva. Aga ma jõuan armastada veel pärastlõunast valguse peegeldust enda voodil, valguse kuma enda nahal ja rattasõidul. Ma õpin armastma tahavaatepeegleid, nädala selgroogu, külma tuult ja igavust. Ma õpin ja proovin armastama hakata igatsust, ootust ja ootamist. Võib-olla seda ei juhtu. Kuid sellest hoolimata ma armastan teatud vabadust ja vabastust, soojust ja selgust, kargust ja kergust.

I promise you

I promise you, my dear, that life will connect the dots. It might be so confusing now, but soon it will untie the knots. 

Right now you're only seeing a small fraction of where you could be, but soon you will see the bigger picture in everything, and in me. 

You won't believe your eyes how you meet the ones you need, they will all be here, don't let yourself mislead. 

You stand there and realise you're not unloved and alone, you are warmer than you think and massively grown - 

into a person you wished to be and now you are here, by letting life surprise you, good things will never disappear. 

Writing

Every time I'm in doubt
I write.
And not "the lost,
what's now,
don't know" - kind of way.
But I'll write
the reasons
why I care
about "the lost,
what's now,
don't know" topics.
Every time I'm in doubt
I write to
see the good.

Tõravere

Hommik tuleb vaikusega, hommikuvalgusega ja hommikukohviga. Jätab endast jälje terveks päevaks - tuleb teadmisega. Võimalustega, suurte võimalustega, et meie parimad suudlused, tugevamad naerud ja soojemad päevad on veel ees. Tuletab meelde, et kukkumishirmust õudsam on hirm jätta ronimata. Hommik tuleb, igal päeval, võimaluseta elu vahele jätta.

Päikeseloojang peegeldab end kõrgetelt puulatvadelt ja mina eksin ära ilusse, mis mind ümbritseb. Ja tunnetesse, mis panevad mind igatsema käidud teid ja avastamata unelmaid. Mul on see kindlameelne  ja õrn pilk, mis mind valdas pea täpselt aasta tagasi siin samas. Ning peaaegu paar aastat tagasi kaugel eemal. See on rahulolu, mida toidavad mu ideed, lootus ning eelkõige mina ise. See on rahulolu, et homme on veel parem kui täna - ülekoormatuna tunnetest - ma naudin igat sekundit selles atmosfääris.

o o o o o

Ma tahan, et meie majal ei oleks katust ja pilved saaksid sisse tulla... ja meid nendesse matta.

I'm ready to feel

the power of change.

If you could meet yourself today what would you say? 

Would you compliment yourself, complement yourself or compete with yourself? 

Would you see all the things that I'm seeing or would you be so caught up by the things that don't define you? 

What would you say? 

Would you say you love yourself and want yourself to be you? 

Would you love yourself? 

I wish you would. 

Your mess, fears and doubts are making you fragile - and being fragile in this stone cold world is more important than being... well, stone cold. 

I hope you love yourself. Despite it all. 

You are worth more than they give you credit for.

You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. 

What would you say?

I would say "Thanks" for surviving every illness and doubt. For getting up after love that has been lost and getting lost in love. Thanks for being there for the ones who matter the most and thanks for trying to be there for the ones who matter the most. Thanks for enjoying the summer and loving the snow. Thanks for being brutally but lovably honest. Thanks for choosing finally the path that's worth time and soul, thanks for not changing. For not changing your jokes, beliefs and standards. For not changing yourself. But being more yourself, every single day.

Some day I'll write poems about this but first I must survive it.

Tere tulemast koju

Sa istud vaikuses ja kedagi pole. See ei häiri sind - ei vaikus ega ka olemine. Kui neljapäeva õhtu hakkab tervitama reedet, oled sina selles vaikuses, mis ei hirmuta, ei hammusta ning kohe kindlasti ei tee liiga. Su tuba täitub sinuga ja sina täitud iseenda hingetõmmetega. Oled kohal - tõesti oled kohal - selles ei ole kahtlustki, isegi, kui sa endas kahtled. Asjata. Leidsid oma juured ning nüüd saab tuul sind julgelt kõigutada - julgelt sasida, räsida ja armastada. Ära heitu, kui samm jääb kinni; ära jaga, kui musta-valget arvamust ei ole vaja; ära jookse minema, kui nii vähe on olnud. Jäta end ka iseendale, luba end jätta iseendale - kui palju sa ikka võid endast mööda joosta?
Proovinud ja proovinud ja kartnud. Mitu võimalust sa annad iseendale?

Kuid äkki, mine tea - äkki on see alles esimene...

Tere tulemast koju.
Nüüd on aeg elada.

Breath away from fingertips

My mind wanders between distant countries
and being here
cuddled up.
Taking my time. And being
easy with myself.
Because either way I'm coming home.
To myself.
And I couldn't be calmer.
Impatience wants to be a part of me.
But I'm not a fan.

But tell me,
who wouldn't be impatient
when home is
so near, right there, just a breath away from your fingertips?

Undress my mind into little pieces

of which I've never seen before.

Water my eyes with tears of laughter

and water my plants with warm embrace. 

Create this little world 

and don't worry about

translation - 

everybody sees life

differently. 

Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself

I am amazed. I am amazed about every single person who finds a way into my life, or I find a way into theirs or we just somehow meet. I am amazed about those who are far away and still closer than neighbours. I am amazed about what life is bringing me or what I'm bringing to myself or what is just an overall coincidence.  

Sidenote: why it's still such a taboo to talk about our negative feelings? We're humans. The practice stands in learning how to cope with them, accept them and nourish them with love. 

Yet we see it as a weaknesses. Yet we all sometimes have them. 

We have all been there. Not anything special, not weaker than the person standing next to us and smiling on the outside... 

Life is too short to hide yourself.

Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself. 

. . . . . 

I am amazed. About this optimism that is not even aggressively coded in me. It's just there. With the good and bad. 

And I'm simply amazed. 

Travel MEGA-MIX '15

Only some tiny bits and pieces. 

Some years will give you the questions and the next ones will answer them.
The year 2015 was full of weird places, questionable situations and moments. It was the year of not documenting everything but questioning everything.
Now it's pretty clear that the questions needed to be out there... 'cause now, in 2016, the answers are slowly showing up - I am more showing up.

I wish I could just keep moving. Life will throw opportunities until I finally understand, grab them and run with them. My butt hurts of sitting on a chair. It would be different if it would be on an airplane... So let's change that.
My soul is already running. My body just needs to catch up with it.

Universe is giving us all the tools, people, moments and lessons. But it doesn't provide us time.
The time is now... if not now, then when? 

Nädalavahetuse kompass

Kogu mu tuba on täidetud kollaka-roosaka päikesetõusu kumaga ning ainus asi, mis minus külmetab on mu varbad. Ja ainus asi, mis mulle sooja annab, lisaks pehmele suletekile, on mu süda.

Viimased päevad on olnud täis kõhtu kõditavat naeru, lähedust, uusi-vanu tuttavaid, uusi-vanu armastajaid, uusi-vanu uudiseid. Kõige selle uue-vana keskel seisin mina, nautides olukorda, kus tulevikku ei tea ja minevik oli meeltelt pühitud. 

Seisin ja pühksin pisara, tänasin, naersin ja taipasin: "Kui see ei ole miski, mis mind õnnelikuks teeb... siis ma ei tea, mis olekski." 

Isegi kui mu jalad või õigemini jalg mind enam ei kandnud, ei jäänud ma ka seisma. Ma ei saa endale keelata üllatusi ja võimalusi, mis soovivad mu elus mu kõrvale seista. 

Nii ma seisin sellega, usaldades ennast ja vaadates, kas see usaldab mind ka. 

Alma koos Chase Grace "Compass" kotiga. 

Once there was a home

I realised that I belong where my heart feels like home. By the way... everybody does. It doesn't mean that it's always the same place. Home can change time to time, home can come back to you and you can go back to home. As long as I am searching for the tingle in my stomach and as long as I accept the feeling when I get there... it's all good. 

Home can change its face, its attitude and can transform itself into different forms. It can be a place, it can be a person and it, most definitely, just can be a vibe. An energy that comes from nowhere but lands on somewhere. The place that once felt like home might become strange to me. But it's necessary to understand that when the time goes by... it might be my friend again, comfort, place and peace. It deserves a second chance and look. 

Home can scare the crap out of me. 

I'm ashamed to say it. 

Because at the same time it can give me the warmest hug and I never want to leave again. 

The second I walked in those doors I realised that it's still a home for me. If not a home... then definitely a special place where laughter, tears, hard work, laziness and great people came together. 

Song that heals anxiety. Calms my heart of missing a person and finds the person within. Says it's OK to go back and see what else you can learn. Says it's OK to miss the past. Says it's OK... now, tomorrow and even the day after that. Says it's OK to say "Hello" to your old home. 

More to come. And more to hope.

It's wonderful to think that maybe the best days in our lives haven't even visited us yet.
It's wonderful to think that maybe the home is now with me... in me.
Maybe I am my own home. 

Dating, getting into a relationship and saying "Yes"

    I started dating myself in the end of 2014. And like dating is, it has its ups and downs. You go out with yourself and you actually, most of the times, find you are not right for you. Guess what, this is the worst thing to find out - you sometimes don't want to spend time with yourself. Sometimes you annoy yourself with foolish acts of doubt or anger. Sometimes you understand that you, yourself, are not the kind of person you want to be with.

    Dating is hard. Specially when you are trying to date yourself while you are dating others. I do have to apologise for that... maybe it wasn't you who I couldn't be with. Most of the times it was myself. 

    The whole year I was on and off with myself, I broke up with so many people and places and vibes, and yes, often with myself also. And for what? Just because I thought it will make me want to date myself... Confusing, I know. When all the bridges were finally burnt I understood that in the end of the day I'm still going to sleep being - me. Doesn't matter who I'm with or not, I'm still in my own body and mind. I was hoping that if I erase all the distracting factors then I will find time and peace to date myself. Get to know myself. Be with myself. Understand myself. 

    As it turned out, dating yourself is even harder than dating others. You get to decide if you take the person on a journey with you, but with yourself... there's no yes, no, maybe, give me time, let's take it slow. You, yourself, have to go to bed every night with yourself and wake up with yourself, no exceptions. 

    It is, as you can see, not an easy road to walk. At one point of the road I decided to drop everything and also myself. Specially get rid of the the expectations I had on myself. I realised that the true me will come out if I don't push it. I was so done with dating and I was exhausted of the emotional swinging. 

    Just as I thought... the beginning of autumn I met myself. There it was, the instant connection, the one that dating just don't give me. Magical connection, when I want to look back twice, when I take a mental picture of every slow second and realise that I found... me. 

I slowed my pace and stood still. I wanted to crab myself by the hand and walk with myself. 

    So I made it official. I stepped into a relationship with myself in the autumn of 2015. (Yes, let's open up the heart shape candy boxes and have midnight dreaming sessions) 

   Of course, life doesn't make anything easy. It makes everything simple, but not easy. I got butterflies in my stomach when I realised what I want to do and who I am. It's the first stage of the relationship - living in a bubble with laughter and no self doubt. Yet, there is the word "but"...

But I soon realised that being in a relationship is harder than it used to be - I needed to find time for myself, make myself laugh, be supportive and honest. Be by my own side when things got rough and hesitations took over sleeping hours. I needed to remind myself that I'm here and I'm with me, doing every move to make this work. And so I did. 

    I turned this relationship into the best relationship I've ever had. Made some dreams come true, made friends with myself and with people I never thought I would. I opened up books I was keeping 'til the time was right and I had time, I spent my moments with love and wanders. I finally got to knew my exclusive skills, sides and patterns. I learned to be proud of myself, laugh meaningless things off and say out things I was holding in. 

    I made some adjustments to make myself even more happier in this relationship. It all have worked out good (not aiming for perfection). Of course, some moments can be more emotional than should be and some situations need a perspective, but we are learning. We? Me with myself. To myself. For myself. 

    I proposed to myself in December. And I said "Yes!" 

.   .   .   .

    Now, 2016, I will firmly announce that I will marry myself in this year. 2016 will be the year of self love and big celebrations. Marriage won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

Living while being married to myself will be easier. If not easy. Because now I will know, that I... will always have my back. 

Dear readers, 

You are all invited to my wedding. 

Mul veab kaardimängus

Ainus, mis minus igavust võib tekitada olen mina ise.

Kui sulle saadetakse teist nädalavahetust järjest tasuta pilet, et minna tantsima ja nautima, siis peab minema. Kui sulle antakse võimalus naerda, siis ole valmis ja ära lõpeta enne, kui on pisarad silmis. Kui sulle antakse võimalus midagi öelda, siis mõtle, loe kolmeni ja ütle - sest koputamata jäänud ust ei tulda kunagi avama. Kui sa taas võidad, siis ole tänulik ning ära võta seda iseenesest mõistetavana. Öeldakse, et sa kasvad siis, kui teed midagi, mis sind hirmutab. Kui õigesti küsida, siis universum vastab sulle - varem või hiljem. Võib-olla omamoodi. Aga vastus tuleb.

Elu on juhus.
Ja juhust tuleb austada.
Kellel ei vea armastuses... sellel veab vähemalt kaardimängus - mis võib vahelduseks lausa päris tore olla.