Growing 127km/sec

I am tired of changing myself.

I love to grow
but I can't change myself
to fit,
to be small
so they can be comfortable,
to not think,
to not feel,
to not be compassionate
and caring.

I'm not too much
they are just
too little.

I keep growing
no matter what happens.

12,7 days of magic

Magical things happen
when you let go
when you close the door
when you decide
that you have yourself.
Magical people appear
and sceptics disappear.

Magical
and beautiful
unexpected things
happen.

They have already started
to enter
my life.

And I simply say "Hello" to those things
and
to those
humans.

Golden light or golden hour

Lighting my heart on fire
like no-one else has done before.
Someday will, a few has done,
but not like I could do for me.

The light fell down
on me,
on my face.
I knew exactly
why on me,
why on my face.
The light fell down
and I fell between
my own arms.

Sügis x Mina

Mul pole midagi uut. Vana on hea ja uus ei ole enam uus.
Upun oma enese romantikasse ja uhkelt vaatan tagasi eelnevasse, ebamugavasse katsumusse. Proovin leida ka kohta praeguses katses või katsumuses, või katses katsetada katsumust. Kõige rohkem proovin mitte taas ette joosta. Kiirustada kõigega. Ma mäletan selgelt seda sügisest pärastlõunat kui kõndisin mööda kohtadest, mis olid nii võõrad - kuid kõndisin nagu teadsin neid, sest kohe tutvusin. Kõndisin mööda inimestest, kes olid nii võõrad - kuid möödusin ja teretasin neid, sest kohe tutvusin. Sel sügisel ma kõndisin iseendana iseendaga. Ja naeris nii valjult. Ja tegin mentaalse pildi igast heast hetkest.
Mul pole midagi uut. Aga vana võtaks küll. Me lubame, et vana tuleb tagasi - uude.

“Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”

Even if things happen unexpectedly I guess the good thing to do is see why. Even if we are not ready then maybe they are. Even if I don't know how it happened or do I deserve it... then I realise that I guess I've made some great choices somewhere along the way. Somewhere... doesn't matter what exactly.

I'm floating in the softest
softest of water,
head to toes
and realising
I can still swim.

I really don't need to know why - either why now or them or me or water. All I need to feel is the warmth embracing my body and my soul dancing in and with it. Look at me looking at the water. It's like I've never felt drought before, like I've never been thirsty, like I knew how to swim all along.
Like I waited to meet you yet everything happened so sudden.
Like I knew I was going to meet you yet never knew I could swim so well.

My toes touch the bottom but I promise I'm eager to negotiate.

Welcome, river.
Make yourself comfortable.
I'm... not ready, but me. All I could offer is me and the best swimming techniques I've learned.

// almost-a-person-through-my-eyes

Tere tulemast koju

Sa istud vaikuses ja kedagi pole. See ei häiri sind - ei vaikus ega ka olemine. Kui neljapäeva õhtu hakkab tervitama reedet, oled sina selles vaikuses, mis ei hirmuta, ei hammusta ning kohe kindlasti ei tee liiga. Su tuba täitub sinuga ja sina täitud iseenda hingetõmmetega. Oled kohal - tõesti oled kohal - selles ei ole kahtlustki, isegi, kui sa endas kahtled. Asjata. Leidsid oma juured ning nüüd saab tuul sind julgelt kõigutada - julgelt sasida, räsida ja armastada. Ära heitu, kui samm jääb kinni; ära jaga, kui musta-valget arvamust ei ole vaja; ära jookse minema, kui nii vähe on olnud. Jäta end ka iseendale, luba end jätta iseendale - kui palju sa ikka võid endast mööda joosta?
Proovinud ja proovinud ja kartnud. Mitu võimalust sa annad iseendale?

Kuid äkki, mine tea - äkki on see alles esimene...

Tere tulemast koju.
Nüüd on aeg elada.

Breath away from fingertips

My mind wanders between distant countries
and being here
cuddled up.
Taking my time. And being
easy with myself.
Because either way I'm coming home.
To myself.
And I couldn't be calmer.
Impatience wants to be a part of me.
But I'm not a fan.

But tell me,
who wouldn't be impatient
when home is
so near, right there, just a breath away from your fingertips?

Undress my mind into little pieces

of which I've never seen before.

Water my eyes with tears of laughter

and water my plants with warm embrace. 

Create this little world 

and don't worry about

translation - 

everybody sees life

differently. 

Lase rusikad lahti. vol kaks - inimesed

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Mõtle siiralt kätele, mida oled hoidnud ning headusele, mida oled kandnud.

Lase rusikad lahti ja lehvita. Viibuta sellele juhile, kes laseb sind üle tee ning väikelapsega emale, kes bussis otsib istekohta mitte ainult endale. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa. Neid, kes on su ümber, kes omavad enda mõtteid, tundeid ja nägemusi. Austa neid, kes ei jaksa teistele vastata samaga. Nad väärivad püüdluse eest siirast applausi. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad mitte armastada "traditsiooni" ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad armastada leidmata selle definitsiooni. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära muretse, kust veganid saavad proteiini. Vaata enda suhu ning taipa, kas su elu jagab sulle piisavalt adrenaliini. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja jäta emotsioonide sõda. Kõik selles haiget saavad, kuid vaid üksikud paranevad, teistele jäävad sügavad haavad. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja püüa kinni, mis maha kukub. Pole olemas kedagi, kes kord abi ei vajaks, on aga vähe neid, kes seda pakub.

Lase rusikad lahti ja osta midagi, mis hoopis su hinge paitab. Naudi teatrit, mine tantsi või laula, tee midagi, mis ka ennast aitab. Ära ainult näe, vaid kohe julgelt vaata - kõike poole pepuga tehes võid end kohe kirest eemale saata. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa neid, kes sinuga sama värvi ei jaga. Pole midagi inimlikumat kui inimlikkus ning aksepteerimine silmade taga. Austa neid, kes kodus ei saa olla, ava käed ning võta nad enda hõlma alla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja paita pisikesi kodu otsijaid. Kas vanemad pole õpetanud, et aidatakse abivajajaid? 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda ees ajalehed. Vii end kurssi, mis toimub, enne kui oma mäeotsa taas eksisteerima lähed. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja hoia oma ümbrust. Austa loodust ja klassikalist kirjandust. Kasvata usaldust ja vahel vaata kahtlevalt teadust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda uks või süda või mõistus, sellele, kes varem koputanud ei ole. Õhtud ei anna alati vastuseid, küsi uuesti hommikupoole. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning pane käima muusika, mis kõiki inimesi ühendab.

Lase rusikad lahti ning lausu eksinuile sõnu, mis neis hirmu vähendab. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta erinevusi enda kõrval.

Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta hommikuid nagu pühapäeval.

Lase rusikad lahti ning saa tuttavaks enda kõrval seisva inimesega. 

Usalda kõhutunnet ning proovi vaadata südamega.

Lase rusikad lahti

ning lama kellegagi vanalinnas keset teed

vaadates tähti. 

Lase rusikad lahti. vol üks

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Kui palju oled sa nendega juba teinud, keda puudutanud ja paitanud, kelle eest hoolt kandnud ja kui iseenda eest võidelnud. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja mässi oma käed teise ümber. Kallista seda, kellest aru sa ei saa, sest äkki siis hakkad mõistma. Kuula teda nii lähedalt, nii täpselt, et sõnad, mida lausub, muutuvad üheks sinuga.

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära reageeri, kui keegi lausub midagi, millesse ei usu sa. Iga hetk, situatsioon ja inimene ei vaja su energiat ja kisa. Nad ei oota seda. Nad ei ole tihti seda väärt. Vahel võid enda tähelepanu sulgeda.

Lase rusikad lahti ja otsi headust. Vaata, kellele saad tänaval oma käe anda ning vaata, kellele saad kodus lausuda "Hommikust." 

Lase rusikad lahti ja tule oma kupli alt südame juurde. Mida kõike sa võiksid kätega teha, korda saata, muuta ja siis taipaksid, kuidas astuda armastusse suurde. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja vii lilli põhjuseta. Ole haavatav põhjuseta. Ole eksinud põhjuseta. Ole vait põhjuseta. Naera põhjuseta. 

Ole hooliv tingimusteta.

Lase rusikad lahti, et saaksid kirjutada. Ükskõik, millest hoolid sa. Või kui ei soovi, et siis saaksid joonistada.

Lase rusikad lahti ja haara päikesest. Või haara kuust või tähtedest. Kuid haara sellest, mis sind edasi viib, haara sellest, kelleta ei oleks sa siin.

Lase rusikad lahti ja nopi marju, mida saaksid hiljem süüa. Ning järgmine kord viia aga naabrinaisele külla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja näita oma inimlikkust. Kui sa oled haavatav või eksid, kui oled ehmunud kui eksid. Kui ei toitu sa vaid teiste ebaõnnest, vaid nende tõelisi saavutusi kuulaksid. Ütle "aitäh" isegi kui tunned kohmetust ning näita teed võõrale ja lõpus jaga ka julgustavat naeratust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ole inimene. 

Ära muretse, kui vahel jutt ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on kapis luukeresid, millest hoidutakse. 

Ära muretse, kui vahel meie jalad ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on lendutõusmiseks vaja, et meist hoolitakse.

Lase rusikad lahti, sest muidu, kellegi käest sa kinni hoida ei saa. Vaatad ja näed, kuidas võiks... aga avada ennast ei suuda. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning hoia kätes, seda kellega igatsed tantsida. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning luba endale maailma ja inimkonda armastada. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning ära harjumusest sulge neid.
Usalda elu ja austa juhuseid.

The one who got away

Oh well the tables have turned.

I'm the one who got away.
Let me give you a little modest speech.
Life happens when you are making plans. Life happens when you are getting ready to be fearless enough to go to the starting line. Life happens when you are daydreaming about the person you like and not acting towards it. Life happens while you are feeling you are not ready to take a chance. Life happens when you are sitting home and thinking about whats good and bad.

Life happened while you were too uptight to think I'm waiting too.
It happened while you were trying to make up your mind but you were still not fearless enough to finish your sentences and thoughts.
It happened while you were too busy waiting it to happen.

You could collaborate with life if you take the 3 seconds of courage and let go of what you should do and actually do what you want to do.

sakura matata, spring 2015

Kevad jõudis linna

Ma ootan puhastustuld,
et see põletaks vihma.
Nii suurt ja nii tugevat,
et see põletaks vihma.
Kannatamtult
kannatlik.
Segaduses
selge.

Ma ootasin puhastuld,

kuid sain valguse.

Ja see valgus peatas kõik,

seisatas ja vaatas.

Nii vaikselt

vali. 

Kaootiliselt

kaunis. 

We are all just strangers

And even though I know you are not here to stay... I am happy that universe allowed your soul to stop by. 

I guess the feeling of leaving is making me more open. I don't mind telling the truth, I don't mind avoiding useless problems and I really don't mind enjoying little things and keeping people who are worth close. 

But I guess it should always be this way. We should always live on the edge - should we jump or hold on to the hand that has been supporting us for a while. It's the brief moment of silence... moment when deciding should we jump alone or take the holding hand with us. Best part about being alive is not knowing... Whatever we decide to do is right if we do it truthfully. 

When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you need to jump, darling. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can't do. 

Take a leap and say hello to the person who's the happiest in the room. Say hello to the person who looks around with eyes full of determination. Say hello to the person who is not in your friend-group. Say hello to the person who's a stranger. The one will turn out to be your next adventure. 

Say hello to your new adventure. Take the jump. 

Season of realisation

If you never see, you'll never know. 

A Sunday walk with a good friend will make you realise what needs to be held close. The city lights, frozen lips, eyes full of christmas sparkle and heart full of warmness is the most perfect symptoms for winter. A Sunday talk with a good friend will take you to topics you'll never regret telling. People are wandering around. Finally are not ashamed of their emotions. Towards the city, the coldness, the love.
A Sunday walk will clear your head and leave the good things inside. You'll realise the small things. The big things. The things that you think that doesn't matter. The things that you have been missing.
A Sunday walk will make you realise.
About how beautiful Sundays are.
How beautiful life is.

Touch of the singing nation

© Kaisa Kattai

Rest and find your will

So as I wrote earlier... It's the season of coming back...
I came back and sat down with myself. Took a good cup of coffee, did people watching and controlled my breathing. Made a list in my head of the things I want to try out, I want to do and started thinking about how I would make them real.
It all came clear. I need time to rest, to be my own boss and to find the balance between what others see and how I see myself.

Decided to took a Saturday off, wandered around beautiful Kadriorg, went to KUMU and Kadrioru kunstimuuseum, did loads of (also window)shopping and had a laugh in the cosy autumn.
If you have time, please visit KUMU. The exhibition A Moveable Feast is just breathtaking.
And even if you don't, then still please find time to yourself. Time to be present.

Here's the thing -

no one exist until you meet them. 

Reunited. For a short time. My German sister. Forever.

Can't describe the joy this girl brings me. She is the definition of happiness, style and passion. She's my season of Sex and the City. She's dancer of life and lover of great company. She knows how to value presents but always looks the secrets of tomorrow. She is laughter and joy. She is herself.

"See you soon"

The school adventure starts again. Luckily I am feeling excited and ready to take everything in. To start improving more, learning more, reading more and living more. A lot of questions have been answered and because of that I'm finally confident about my plans and actions for the next semester. 

It has been a wonderful ride so far - now I just have to get out of the 'sleep-mode' and show some action. 

Action of mentally travelling. 

Gingerbread house, ice-skating and amazing last dinner in Sfäär. 

Kiss of the 2014

The amazing moment of reunion. Reunion with the wonderful other half's of me. Reunion with myself.

Finally I can feel that I am back. Physically I have been everywhere and lived two lives. Thankfully the winter winds have pushed me in to the right position again. Maybe not physically, but definitely mentally. I'm ready to travel. Ready to make mistakes and enjoy them. 

The glass is definitely half full. Full of anticipation. 

New Year's Eve in Tallinn with the greatest company I could ever ask. 

it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Nights are meant for dreaming. Making plans. Maybe doing some of them. Setting goals. 

Days are meant to wander around. Make plans true. And a little bit more. Achieve goals. See everything that night darkness was hiding. And make plans. Make plans for nights. 

Life is meant for living. 

dreaming. 

wandering. 

doing. 

searching. 

and.

loving. 

Christmas night with my "sister from another mister," gift exchange and making gingerbreads. 

Lots of sushi and wine and laughter. Perfect christmas night! 

 "La Traviata" in Estonia National Opera house, Vapiano time with Dan, two days of football games and Christmas night with Dan - peanut butter truffles!

this is my happy place

I have been waiting this for a long time. Finally some time to rest, see my loved ones, have quality time with friends, laugh more, eat more, enjoy even more. 

It feels like everything is the same - yet everything has changed. 

Maybe a bit more mature. Maybe a bit more dedicated. Maybe finally in the right place. 

I am not the only one who has changed. And this time - change is a little wonderful thing. 

Flying back to Tallinn for winter holiday.

Drinks in Old Town, reunions, sushi and gift wrapping.