Kodu jaoks mul aega on

Ta teretas mind ja ma hakkasin kartma.

Mulle tundus, et ma olen jõudnud koju. Kuid mul ei ole võtmeid. Ma ei vaevunud neid kordagi otsimast koti põhjast või kuulutama neid kadunuks. Lubasin endale, et kui mulle ühel päeval see võtmekimp antakse, siis on see aususe ja siirusega. Eelkõige usaldusega. Eelkõige kodu armastusega. 

Mind saatis pilk, millele ma ei osanud vastata kuna arvasin, et kodu ei märka. Olin veendunud, et mina pean ju kodu leidma, seda otsima ja selle tuvastama. Ma ei arvanud, et asjad äkki võivad käia ka teistpidi. Avastasin, kui palju mulle jääb märkamatuks kuna olen harjunud asju nägema vaid enda moodi. Olen harjunud mingite mustritega, mis ei vii mind tegelikult kordagi ukseni. 

Ainus, mida jõudsin mõelda, kui tema olemasolu teadvustasin oli... aga äkki on see kodu liiga hea minu jaoks? 

Esmakordne tunne. Mustri puudus. Õhk oli kentsakalt pehme. Kõik oli rütmist väljas. Ja samas nii rütmis.

Liiga hea? Õige. 

Iseenesel peabki kasvuruumi olema. 

Ja see hirmutab... sest vahel ma tunnen end kui kodus. 

Soovisin lõpetada taas need kodu mõtted sellega, kuidas "Äkki see ei ole minu kodu. Ei ole hullu."
Kuid äkki see on.
Äkki nõuabki kodu aega. Head aega. Vaikset aega. Tasapisi kõndimist. Tasapisi kolimist.

Kui mul midagi ei ole... siis aega mul on.

Throwing cool kids around

We raised our glasses to the one and only... and then started dancing like it was the last night in our lives. 

There're some kids I might only see once or twice in a year. And yet we will pick up everything where we left them. And I will admire them, laugh with them and be proud of them forever and ever and ever. And ever. 

One weird group of amazing humans. 

#tbt 

You don't always need a plan

Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. 

Always waiting for that perfect weather and the perfect human. Waiting for the perfect number on the scale and the perfect phone number to ring. Always waiting to make a move and being 100% sure what the answer would be (before even asking the questions). Waiting to go to sleep and weekends, even when it's a beautiful Tuesday morning.

Do the things that make your hands shake and break your comfort. Better an "oops" than a "what if."

Leave room for magic

Push play. 

August owns this special kind of vibe. At least for the last 3-4 years it has been the same.
Connecting to yourself, to the ones you love and to laughter. Everything becomes clearer and more clean. Even if starting the new season is messy... you know you have the good vibes with you.
Enjoying your own company, figuring out what happens next and enjoying the present. Taking chances of seeing new places, being with the ones you love and putting yourself in comfortable yet growing environments. Learning something that you should have known for a long time and realising what you have now. Gazing the sky full of starts, chilling until our bodies get perfectly numb and flirting with life... or whoever comes next. August has been the month of getting it together and realising what your mind and body could do, what they want to do and what they long for.

August owns this special kind of vibe. Love vibe. By seeing your friends getting married, loving your spotify playlists, being with best friends, laughing and arguing with family. Love vibe. By riding bikes, doing acrobatics in old town parks, enjoying a good cup of coffee.
Love vibe.
Realising that you might be out of love. But yet so in with life.

21

Life should not only be lived, it should be celebrated. 

I bet we all have some illusion of ourselves in our heads. What we think we are, what we wish to be and how we wish to live. We are working towards of being ourselves but not recognising that while we're working - we're actually becoming ourselves. We already do the things we want, say what we want and think what seems right to us. Or if you don't, then start doing it. But still we think we need to construct ourselves, search, seek and build our minds. When in fact we are already there. 

The illusion of how we should be is blinding us from how we are. 

All the searching needs to be stopped for a while and we need to see that maybe we already reached our destination. Be glad if you already arrived. And find new challenges after that. 

What I discovered during my birthday weekend... I am at that point in my life where people are seeing me as I am. Honestly, fully, individually. And it is worth celebrating. 

Accept yourself first. Then others will just have to follow. 

Fearless

Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it. 

We all need to start living a bit more. Don't hesitate to ask, when you are not sure. Don't mind to push deadlines, because you need to be with your loved ones. Don't wish away your Mondays to have Saturdays. Don't let the clock define you, what you can do in your day. Don't look for somebody when you don't know where you stand. Don't think about tomorrow if it's time to celebrate and laugh. Don't be scared to learn and make mistakes, it's necessary. Don't be the one who stays home when all you want to do is go out. Don't be the one who stays for the end of the party when you don't feel like it. 

Don't just exist. Start to live more and make your existence a bit more lovely, adventurous, caring, fun, quiet, loud and everything in between. Make it everything. A bit of everything. 

Do you ever take a chance, my dear?

Because you know I will... 

If I could I would spend the rest of my life as happy as I was the last weekend. Including Friday. Including today. Including the few sleeping hours, laughter in my veins, sweet talks and dancing. Even including the food, phone calls, old friends, new friends, Christmas and thinking hours. 

I've been wanting to cry for a week. For a reason. For a justified reason. But to quote Hamlet act III, scene III, line 92 "No." I couldn't. I guess the breathing ones were the reason. I got infected with joy and gratitude. 

I got bitten by a life bug. 

Friendlust

Cheers for the people who wake you up and drag you out to live more.
And then let you sleep when you're having a hangover.
Cheers for the people around you.
Cheers mates!

Do you ever get friendlust? Like. You just see someone and you're like: "Man, I have such a friend-cruch on you. I wanna be your friend so bad. I wanna be more than a friend. I wanna be the BEST friend. Do you hear me? You're so cool. I admire you a lot and you're so funny. Please, be my friend. I will treat you right. Let me be your drake-friend. No other friend will treat you like I would."

Kiss of the 2014

The amazing moment of reunion. Reunion with the wonderful other half's of me. Reunion with myself.

Finally I can feel that I am back. Physically I have been everywhere and lived two lives. Thankfully the winter winds have pushed me in to the right position again. Maybe not physically, but definitely mentally. I'm ready to travel. Ready to make mistakes and enjoy them. 

The glass is definitely half full. Full of anticipation. 

New Year's Eve in Tallinn with the greatest company I could ever ask. 

it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Nights are meant for dreaming. Making plans. Maybe doing some of them. Setting goals. 

Days are meant to wander around. Make plans true. And a little bit more. Achieve goals. See everything that night darkness was hiding. And make plans. Make plans for nights. 

Life is meant for living. 

dreaming. 

wandering. 

doing. 

searching. 

and.

loving. 

Christmas night with my "sister from another mister," gift exchange and making gingerbreads. 

Lots of sushi and wine and laughter. Perfect christmas night! 

 "La Traviata" in Estonia National Opera house, Vapiano time with Dan, two days of football games and Christmas night with Dan - peanut butter truffles!

Gala 2013

One more reminder of how I am blessed to be surrounded by so many beautiful people. 

Here for a semester or two.

Friends for life. 

Getting ready for Gala with my roommate. 

Gala partner and a great evening.

Sisters from Denmark and Estonia.