127 consequenses

Tagajärjed
on ainsad asjad,
mis on meist
järel.


Consequenses
are the only effects
that are
behind us.

More than 1,27 years ago

Halli pluusiga poiss
küsis, kas ta saab
mind endale.
Ma ütlesin "okei",
sest nii saan ka mina
ta endale.


Boy with a grey shirt
asked me, if he can
have me.
I said "okay"
because in that case
I can have him
as well.

1,27 privileges

Minu jaoks
olla terve
ja tervik
on kõige ilusam
privileeg.


For me
being healthy
and whole
is the most beautiful
privilege.

Golden light or golden hour

Lighting my heart on fire
like no-one else has done before.
Someday will, a few has done,
but not like I could do for me.

The light fell down
on me,
on my face.
I knew exactly
why on me,
why on my face.
The light fell down
and I fell between
my own arms.

Counting leaves at 1:27pm

Ta ootas esimest korda hommikuni,

et end koguda ja vastata. 

Ta ootas lõunani,

et aru saada. 

Ta ootas õhtuni,

et end selgelt väljendada.

Ning ööni,

et taibata -

õiged otsused olid juba tehtud. 

She waited first time until morning came

to collect herself and answer. 

She waited until noon

to undersand.

She waited until evening,

to express herself clearly. 

And till night

to realise -

all the right decisions were now already done. 

Autumn has almost never
brought so much
serenity.
But it has now.

After 127 days I know better

The most horrifying
thing I ever did
was sabotaging
my own
happiness.


Kõige kohutavam asi,
mis ma kunagi tegin
oli saboteerida
minu enda
õnne.

Mul veab kaardimängus

Ainus, mis minus igavust võib tekitada olen mina ise.

Kui sulle saadetakse teist nädalavahetust järjest tasuta pilet, et minna tantsima ja nautima, siis peab minema. Kui sulle antakse võimalus naerda, siis ole valmis ja ära lõpeta enne, kui on pisarad silmis. Kui sulle antakse võimalus midagi öelda, siis mõtle, loe kolmeni ja ütle - sest koputamata jäänud ust ei tulda kunagi avama. Kui sa taas võidad, siis ole tänulik ning ära võta seda iseenesest mõistetavana. Öeldakse, et sa kasvad siis, kui teed midagi, mis sind hirmutab. Kui õigesti küsida, siis universum vastab sulle - varem või hiljem. Võib-olla omamoodi. Aga vastus tuleb.

Elu on juhus.
Ja juhust tuleb austada.
Kellel ei vea armastuses... sellel veab vähemalt kaardimängus - mis võib vahelduseks lausa päris tore olla.

Mis ta nimi on?

Ma ei tea tema nime.  

Lemmiktegevused on hilised avastused. See, kuidas ta hommikuti paneb esimesena maha parema jala, et ebaõnne vältida. Viisid, mida ta kasutab inspiratisooni tekkeks inspireerivad omakorda mind. Lõunad, mis koosnevad ideedest, projektidest, lobas ja headest tuttavatest on igapäevane komme. Teretada vaid koos peanoogutusega ja hüvastijätuks jagada kõigile puudutusi. Ma ei tea neid lõhnasid, mis uimastavad ta meeli. Samuti neid sõnu, mis uimastavad ta südame. Tundmatud on ta hommikurutiinid, milles ta on veendunud, et tal puuduvad need. Uskumused, mida on voolinud ta vanemad. Laulud, mis on kirjutatud punastavatest põskedest ning varjatud esimese armastuse eest. Tema ideaalsed suvepäevad maal ja soojasse kampsunisse mässitud keha külmal vanalinna pärastlõunal. Variandid, kuidas öelda "head ööd." Inimesed, kellele ta on saanud öelda "head ööd." Ma ei tea toite, mis kunagi ta kõhtu ei paita ning kas eelistab kohvi või teed. Kas teeb talle nalja elu üle juurdlemine või elab ta vaid analüüsitud pettekujutlemaga. Või elab ja hingab ta hoopis vaid elektroonikaga. 

Ma ei ole kindel ta silmade värvis ega ka pintsakus, mis ta enesekindlust tõstab. Tema vanemaid ei tunneks tänaval ära ning ei saaks aru, kumma moodi on ta rohkem. 

Ma ei tea tema ootusi. Samuti ka enda omasid mitte, sest mul puuduvad need teadamatuse tõttu. 

Küll aga tean tundeid, mida tekitavad telefonihelina kõlad, hingamissagedus ja närviliselt värisev jalg. Tundeid, kui kõik head ja vead teevad kokku hoopis õnneliku avastuse. Kui kõik naljad on naljakamad, kui nad tegelikult on. Tunded, mis tekitavad aja peatumisest, silma vaatamisest. Ja need, mis tekivad murest, kui aega on liiga vähe. 

Ma hoolitseksin kodu ja tema hoolitseks une eest, ma õnne ja ta õnnelikkuse eest. Hoolitseks naeru ja tema aga toetuse eest ning koos hoolitseksime teineteise südamete eest. 

Ma hoolitseksin tantsu ja tema muusika eest, mina sihtpunktide ning tema teekonna eest. Hoolitseksin ka vahel vaikuse eest ja tema autosõidujutu eest. Hoolt kannaksime ka nõrgemate eest. 

Ja kõike vastupidi. 

Mina enda ja tema enda eest. Samal ajal ka teineteise eest. 

Ma ei tea tema nime. Ja isegi mitte ta nägu. 

Autumn under my skin

Finally I had a long weekend of rest and peace. I started my Friday off with loads of studying and cleaning. Then we took 3 hour long ride to out country house. We cooked some good dinner, I did a bit of reading and then we just casually chilled out in our warm living room. 

Saturday went by fast... and we did a lot! Started our morning with working outside. It took a couple of hours to clean up the garden, pick apples and enjoy the chilly autumn sunshine. After that we had a super quick lunch and headed off to the pool. Did an awesome and exhausting workout in the pool (the swimmer I sill am inside), sat on the sauna and after headed off to mall. We were dead. We did a bit of shopping and sat down in a cafe to have a latte and find some energy. 

Here comes my favourite part. That I will talk later. Yes, it's about the master, Woody Allen. 

The quietness that Tartu has is refreshing. Best place to be, when I need to collect myself together again. 

Evening turned out to be next to my computer, going over Nepal video footage. I do feel like I want to cry. Firstly I wanna go back. Right now. Secondly... the amount of footage I have is too damn high! 

Sunday owns the grown of weekend. Chilling around, reading, watching series, going for a run, studying a bit... The perfect end for the week... and the perfect reload to start a new week tomorrow. 

Note to self: Be selective in your battles. Sometimes peace is better than being right. 

Season of changes

October is a month for the soul. The weather is changing. The sun warmth is changing. Your energy is changing.
Yes, autumn is not just the season of nature. It's the season of you. For you. To you.
If you have something good in you life, something you really want to hold onto - then do it. Now is the time to pay more attention to it. Pet it more. Care about it more. Take your chances to grow stronger connections, stronger point of views and stronger mind & health.
If something is wrong - you better fix it now or live with it the whole winter. No, it's not that bad. For me it just feels the perfect time of the year to spread your wings and fix the things that bother you. Start doing stuff on October. Start taking care of yourself more, prepare yourself. Take time for rests and weekends. Take time to write, read, have walks around town and nature. Spend some time doing what you love. Not what others except you to love but what you simply want to love.
Respect yourself, your wishes and your time. You will live with yourself until "your forever." So be your friend. Make changes you want and need to make. Make them your way. Love yourself a bit.
Learn to love yourself in October.

No sign of winter

At least not in me. 

I look at the time. The date. The whole calendar. And not because I want to scare myself. Just want to wake myself up. To value the moments and do everything, I promised to do tomorrow, now. To smile more and look around - realise that the journey of happiness is developing faster than I thought. Every weak moment shows being a human. Every standing up shows having courage. Settling with a new situation shows my growth. Starting to walk again shows being fearless. 

I look at the time. And I realise that everything is better than just alright. 

Mexican tequila and one 'roller coaster weekend.' 

Realisation

The magical moment when you understand that everything in this life is good. 

Where are you standing. Who are you surrounded with. How's the weather. Who loves you. Who you love. What you can do and what you want to do. Your bedsheets are beautiful. They will keep your sweetest dreams. Your quietness is beautiful. It can say so much to those who are willing to discover it. Your tired face is beautiful. It will show your battles. Your lost battles. And your conquers. And all the excited adventures that you will experience. 

You need to open your eyes from time to time. And see things with new eyes. Because overall... everything is good.

You are good. 

Magical home-made Chinese food night with International dance ladies. 

Groningen 2013

We travel for romance, we travel for architecture, and we travel to be lost.

Be a tourist. Be a traveler. Be a wanderer and a local. 

Get inspired. Get noticed. Get motivated.

Start your own adventure. 

My week in Groningen, Netherlands. 

Full of beautiful architecture, good food, new faces and names, inspiring stories.

Week full of love. 

Südamelöögid nii tugevad. Nii elusad.

“This is what you do. If you feel low, you stand tall. You mess up, you move on. You want to try something, try it, and if it was a stupid thing to try, you look it in the eye. There’s no turning back. You apologize if you’re sorry, but know that the nimblest, strongest hands can’t rebuild a bridge out of embers, so cut new wood. Start from scratch. You love with your whole heart. If you’re jealous, talk yourself from the ledge. If you can’t talk yourself down from the ledge, have a good time up there, looking down on the world. If you have to lie to make everything true again, lie like you mean it. If you find yourself in a cage, reach out through the bars for the key, unlock the door, and run away. If running away gets dangerous, run home. If home doesn’t mean what it used to mean, decide what home will be in the future. If your best friend says she doesn’t trust you, hold her jaw in your hand until it hurts, and make her face you. Thats all it takes. If you think you love a guy, see how his hand looks in yours, thats all it takes. If you get exiled into a new land, then go discover it. And if you feel like you’re drowning, go swimming.”

—	Hobson Brown

Be prepared for rain

Juhus on elus väga tähtis - tuleb osata juhust armastada ja sellest rõõmu tunda. 

Pole juhus, et ma olen siin.

Küll aga juhus tõi mu teele need inimesed. Armsad inimesed. Armsad inimesed ümbritsevad mind nii kodus kui ka tantsu-kodus. 

Autumn leaves

Mul on aega märgata, kuidas rohelised lehed pruunideks muutuvad. Kuidas külmus mu jalataldadesse poeb. Kuidas tuul toob kaasa vihmapilved. Märgata, kuidas rasketes hetkedes on ilu. Ning kuidas pealiskaudses täiuslikkuses võib peituda tühjus. Aeg märgata, kuidas suureks kasvamisest ei ole saanud muutus. Sellest on saanud tee lähemale iseendale. Rohelised lehed muutuvad pruunideks. See pole halb. See ei ole halb märk, et läheneb talv. Muutused. Kargus. Ja külmus. 

See on märk, et on aeg hakata äratama oma südameid veel suurema soojusega.