1:27 seconds of dance

We were kissing
around corners
and on the darkest hours
of the day

I didn't want my reality
ruin something
so kind

and strangely new.

Meet up at 1:27pm

I saw you
from the distance
and the world
somehow disappeared.

I thought
waiting you
is a beautiful thing.

But you - arriving -
is the
most beautiful thing.

Holding each other 127 different ways

nobody couldn’t bother us

the night held us

and all i wished was to stop the time

and admire the situation

be grateful

that i’ve grown

and people around me

are so

so

whole

and beautiful

yet we didn’t held each other 

not yet

-----

but when autumn came 

we needed each other's body warmth 

Reflection at 1:27

Reflekteeri ennast
läbi enda
ausa akna.


Reflect yourself
through your
fair window.

November December Poteto Potato

Reminders: 

Be with your close ones

Find the light

Or start to enjoy the darkness

Christmas always helps

Laughter also helps

Clean your mind, place, relationships, obligations, surrounding

Clean yourself also

Stay present 

1:27pm and autumn light

Now it's time to build some bridges
between yourself and the things you love.
And with the people you love
and with the places you miss
and with the moments you want to relive.

Now it's time to build some bridges
between yourself and your pretty thoughts.

I promise you

I promise you, my dear, that life will connect the dots. It might be so confusing now, but soon it will untie the knots. 

Right now you're only seeing a small fraction of where you could be, but soon you will see the bigger picture in everything, and in me. 

You won't believe your eyes how you meet the ones you need, they will all be here, don't let yourself mislead. 

You stand there and realise you're not unloved and alone, you are warmer than you think and massively grown - 

into a person you wished to be and now you are here, by letting life surprise you, good things will never disappear. 

Long story short

Long story short.
I remember the time when it was so dark. And not the just-put-on-some-lights dark, but more like there's-no-way-I-will-find-the-switch kind of dark. The questions went around where am I, should I be where I am and will the light be off from now on. Questioning if I was buried or planted?
Long story short.
I thought I was buried, but I was definitely planted.
Now I know for sure.

Long story short.
Blooming in the middle of autumn.

127 days to deep winter

But who will fight for me
when autumn turn to snow
or darker days
or even darker nights.
When autumn is fighting
its way
but not winning. Not at all.


Aga kes võitleb minu eest
kui sügis muutub lumeks
või pimedateks päevadeks
või veel pimedamateks
öödeks.
Kui sügis võitleb
omal viisil
aga ei võida. Absoluutselt ei võida.

I'm betting on you.
Hoping I'm lucky enough.

1:27pm or 1:27am

It doesn't matter
what time or day it is.
I've learned
that the safest place to be
is in and with my shelter.


Ei loe,
mis päev või kell on.
Ma mõistsin,
et kõige ohtum koht, kus olla
on mu varjupaigas. Koos.

Look how you blossom when you realise what you have. Look. 

Fall is here but you don't mind. Now you still blossom. 

Hirm külmutab su

Hirm halvab. Hirm võtab osa sinust ja peatab selle osa töötamast. Mõistmast. Armastamast. Ta võtab ja vaatab, pigistab oma käte vahel -- keerab lukku su mõistuse, võimalused ja loovuse. Sunnib sind vaikima, kuid karjub sulle kõrva. Ütleb ainult seda, mida keegi ei sooviks kuulda, mida sina ei taha kuulda. Hirm halvab su mõistuse, ajataju ja ruumi. Hirm hakkab halvama su füüsist seisatades su jalad, kuumendades su temperatuuri ja väristades su käsi. Võtab võimust kohtades, kus ei tohiks ta olla ei käskija ega keelaja. Hirm istub su peal, hoiab sul ümbert kinni ja vaatab otsa. Mida ta tahab, et sa ütleksid? Soovib, et ütleksid, kuidas kardad ja tunnistad liikumatust? Valetaksid, et kõik on korras? Mida ta tahab, et sa üldse sellises situatsioonis ütleks? Ta külmutab kõik su häälepaelad.

Hirm vaatab sulle otsa ja ütleb, et tal on sinust kahju. Ja sel hetkel saad sa aru kui kahju on sul endast.
Mida sa hirmule vastad?

1:27

Ma sulgesin
oma suu
ning kuulasin,
kuidas ta kirjeldab seda,
mida näeb.
Jah.
Ma vajusin ka.


I closed
my mouth
and listened,
how he describes
what he sees.
Yeah.
I fell in too.

Saada mulle luulet

või saada mind ära.

Vaigista oma keha, et saaksid vaigistada oma meele ja vaigistada tunded ja vaikselt siis vaigistada aja, et saaksid kuulata vaikselt oma pulssi, mis ütleb ära - väga lihtsalt ütleb ära - mis teeb sind õnnelikuks. Ära seda vaigista.
Lase sel kõlada enda sees, nii valjult, et vaigistab ta üleliigse - nii valjult, et vaigistab ta liigesed.
Ja saada ta välja. Õue. Teiste juurde. Teiste kõrvale. Teiste sisse. Sinna, mis tekitab vaigistamatut õnne, et need vaigistamatud kõhtu õõnsaks tegevad tunded saaksid leida endale kodu. 

Mu sees elab kõik

Vähese magamisega ööd parandab üks ilus päikesetõus aknast. Laupäeva varahommikul kui maailm magab või hakkab alles ringutama, muutub terve olemine, nägemine, hingamine ja arusaamine selgemaks. Selleks selguseks, mis tekib pärast vihma, kui asfalti lõhn on peadpööritavalt nauditav ning kõik tundub uus - kõik vana tundub uus ning kohal on uus.

Isegi, kui silmad on raskusest kinni vajumas, nägu reedab vähest und ning mõistus otsustusvõimetu, kas vajuda unne või jääda - on see hetk selge. 

Oma käsi vaadates näeb uusi varje. Seinad on teist värvi. Vaikus on hoopis uutmoodi. Kõlav, kajav, pehme, toonita ja sõnadeta, kuid lausub rohkem. Käes on hetk, kus hommikuvalgus tungib sisse nii tuppa, hommikumantlisse kui ka naha alla. Maailm seisab, ärkab ja alustab üheskoos. Maailm magab, aga miski on nii elavalt ergas, nii elavalt elus, nii elav. 

Ja mina elan. Nagu olemas ei oleks mitte kedagi. Ega midagi. Aga mu sees on kõik. Mu sees elab kõik.

Ma tulen kevadega

ja lahkun sügisel.

Ma ei taha uinuda, sest soovin mäletada kõike. Pool aastat tõi rohkem kui oleksin osanud ma arvata - tõi mulle midagi, mida ei osanud ette näha. Kedagi, keda ma ei osanud vaadata.
Ma tahan uinuda, et saaksin panna silmad kinni uues kohas. Mäletada midagi uut. Hoida midagi uut. Ärgata hommikuti natukenegi uutest unenägudest.
Kuid kõik, mis oli siin tuleb kaasa - välja arvatud need seinad ja jutud; need marrastused ja avatud avastused; need unetud ööd ja kohvitopsid. Kõik tuleb kaasa - välja arvatud see mina, kes oli siin. Ja ometi ma tulen kaasa... aga tükike teise minana.

o o o o

Magamatus pööras hommiku raskemaks ning lahkumise kergemaks.
Värisen kas vähesest unest, kohvist või ärevusest. Või kõigest kolmest.
Sügis paitab ilma ja hommikuõhku ning mu meeled on valmis postiindeksit vahetama.

"Don't fall in love in the moment..."

"... and think you are in love with the girl." 

He sat there, eyes locked to mine and we both knew what we were thinking. And in that brief moment everything came back to me. Every familiar move, conversation and comfortable vibe, every answered and missed phone call and every laughter. Or fight. Or anger.

"What if." My mind told - well actually screamed at me - thousands ideas in only few seconds. The air was so delicate and full of memories, maybe even some unfinished business and dishonesty. I wanted to burst out every little thought of mine - what he did, what I did, what is going on in my life and how apologising is not the answer. My head whispered to me that maybe... maybe this is faith... but suddenly everything got quiet. I doubted. My gut and heart took over my head and emotions... They were pretty sure that it's actually a moment of "goodbye" and finally letting go of the past.

I left and I was suddenly so caught up by the "what if-s." I was slowing down my pace, thinking if I should run back and give the moment one more look. Chance. Time.
But I didn't.
I guess this means I have grown.
And I will be ready if the right one is there in front of me, eyes locked to mine and then there's no time for "what if-s".

Late night thoughts and morning words

Push "play"

I'm doing the things I have to do. And not the things I want to do.

Stop telling me it's a part of growing up.

We all know it's not.

It's the part of giving up. There's a grande difference. And I'm ignoring it.

I want to delete all. Erase all the heartbreaks, all doubts, all bruisers and all safeness. I look up to some of my friends who're always sticking onto what means them the most. Not taking any easy ways out(s), not wishing it would all just land on their laps. 

I admire him by sticking onto what matters the most. And not coming here, not starting a new life here but making the most over there. At least not coming here yet. He's making everything true - every movement has a soul, every word has a meaning. Making everything alive and living... even with some great struggle. 

I admire her for delating the accounts but not delating herself. Doing what matters to her and not what matters to others. Staying in if needed, going if wanted and being present. Even in doubt. Being in place. Breaking but not fading away. Her nature is so fragile, soft and lovable, but she still manages to be the biggest fighter I know. 

So cheers to "doing what you love." And cheers to "never stop doing that." 

"Koi No Yokan"

There's a Japanese word for that "we could fall in love" feeling you sometimes get when first meeting a person.
"Koi No Yokan" 

I guess we all get that feeling. The moment you pick somebody of the crowded street or cafe full of people. Locking your eyes onto a stranger have never felt so relaxing. Everything becomes quiet. Sometimes you forgot to look away and you just keep gazing them with strange hope and unknown connection. You literally can't hear. You're literally slowly drowning in to the ones eyes. You literally don't know what the other human is thinking. You stare. Because that's the only thing you actually can do.

But sometimes everything will start racing faster - your heart, the time, the vibes. You get anxious and want to prove yourself to some stranger, who might not even have the "koi no yokan" feeling. And I've discovered that I'm not looking for heart-racing-mind-blowing thing.
I'm looking for blissfulness mixed with passion and getting lost. Looking for the moment when I can't hear my friends talking to me. Blissfulness, when I don't even know if this is real or is the other person just a daydreaming fantasy.

I'm looking for everything to get quiet.
Looking for a whiskey in a teacup.

And whoever commented that I'm not salted caramel and I'm actually whiskey in a teacup. 

Well thank you. 

I was weirdly moved. 

Mul veab kaardimängus

Ainus, mis minus igavust võib tekitada olen mina ise.

Kui sulle saadetakse teist nädalavahetust järjest tasuta pilet, et minna tantsima ja nautima, siis peab minema. Kui sulle antakse võimalus naerda, siis ole valmis ja ära lõpeta enne, kui on pisarad silmis. Kui sulle antakse võimalus midagi öelda, siis mõtle, loe kolmeni ja ütle - sest koputamata jäänud ust ei tulda kunagi avama. Kui sa taas võidad, siis ole tänulik ning ära võta seda iseenesest mõistetavana. Öeldakse, et sa kasvad siis, kui teed midagi, mis sind hirmutab. Kui õigesti küsida, siis universum vastab sulle - varem või hiljem. Võib-olla omamoodi. Aga vastus tuleb.

Elu on juhus.
Ja juhust tuleb austada.
Kellel ei vea armastuses... sellel veab vähemalt kaardimängus - mis võib vahelduseks lausa päris tore olla.