Near at 1:27am

You thought about running into me

and I thought about

running into you

but we almost never seem to be

in the same place

at the same time 

Maybe if we think harder

it will happen

very soon 

Saturday evening before 1:27am

It’s Saturday evening
– in warm August –
and I’m looking at the sky
and I know it’s cheesy 
but I was thinking
if you were thinking
about me

like I thought about you
today 

It’s Saturday evening
and I’m watching the clouds 
and you are
200km away

but maybe you are
watching them too 

127 ways to protect her

He wished
she could be
right by his side

but he didn't want to ruin
something
someone
so beautiful

so he ran away with anyone
but her
so he could
protect her

beauty.

Too bright at 1:27pm

I can't open my eyes

when I see you

you look happier

and more calm

yet even more excited about living

and loving 

and going

you look like

you have landed

in your own home

yet the whole world

feels like your home now 

you look like 

you have accepted 

that there’s a lot of you

in you

in others

and in the people you love,

looks like

you have accepted 

that you are for those

who are willing to 

love the whole you 

you don’t just look happier

you feel happier 

and calmer

you look so bright

I can’t open my eyes 

Mõeldud jooksma

Mõeldud jooksma võõrastes metsades, ujuma tundmatutes sügavustes, põlema tuliselt, jahtuma aeglaselt, meenutama ja siiski minema. Loodud peaaegu koormata, valikulise koormaga. Olla arvamustest vaba, aga omada arvamust -  kuid vaid selles, mis tõesti tasub koormaks võtta.

Jaanuarikuu tuisud viisid ära rohkem kui ma oleksin eales osanud arvata. Viisid ära suuremalt ja kiiremini ja tugevamalt kui ma eales oleksin ette näinud. Ei olnud minu valida, mida viiakse ja kuidas.  Ja kui äkki. Ometi olen mina see, kes seisab tuisu käes ja laseb nüüd tuisuga tuua midagi tõelist. Laseb minna ja kindlasti laseb ka tuua. Siin ei ole teist valikut.

Mõeldud jooksma. Mitte koormaks.

Suddenly everything is in colour

I never thought I would see it this way.
Sometimes you meet someone and thought that you'd never like Tuesday afternoons, suddenly those are your favourite parts of the week. You thought that you had seen it all but then somebody shows up and all you can do is wonder how the heck you lived all this time with your eyes closed.
Being kind is even more beautiful, having a laugh is even more important.
Sometimes you meet someone and even though it's for a second... you know that there are good people out there. You realise it's not about being head over heels, it's about calmness - you've reached to the port of balance and grace. Sometimes you might fall in again, but you quickly recover your inner peace. It's the moment of realisation - there's so much more to see. And feel. And meet.

It's like you lived for the twilight but now... dawn is the only thing you wish for. To be more alive, to be more awake, to be more in love - with life.
To suddenly see everything in colour and light.

"Koi No Yokan"

There's a Japanese word for that "we could fall in love" feeling you sometimes get when first meeting a person.
"Koi No Yokan" 

I guess we all get that feeling. The moment you pick somebody of the crowded street or cafe full of people. Locking your eyes onto a stranger have never felt so relaxing. Everything becomes quiet. Sometimes you forgot to look away and you just keep gazing them with strange hope and unknown connection. You literally can't hear. You're literally slowly drowning in to the ones eyes. You literally don't know what the other human is thinking. You stare. Because that's the only thing you actually can do.

But sometimes everything will start racing faster - your heart, the time, the vibes. You get anxious and want to prove yourself to some stranger, who might not even have the "koi no yokan" feeling. And I've discovered that I'm not looking for heart-racing-mind-blowing thing.
I'm looking for blissfulness mixed with passion and getting lost. Looking for the moment when I can't hear my friends talking to me. Blissfulness, when I don't even know if this is real or is the other person just a daydreaming fantasy.

I'm looking for everything to get quiet.
Looking for a whiskey in a teacup.

And whoever commented that I'm not salted caramel and I'm actually whiskey in a teacup. 

Well thank you. 

I was weirdly moved. 

The one who got away

Oh well the tables have turned.

I'm the one who got away.
Let me give you a little modest speech.
Life happens when you are making plans. Life happens when you are getting ready to be fearless enough to go to the starting line. Life happens when you are daydreaming about the person you like and not acting towards it. Life happens while you are feeling you are not ready to take a chance. Life happens when you are sitting home and thinking about whats good and bad.

Life happened while you were too uptight to think I'm waiting too.
It happened while you were trying to make up your mind but you were still not fearless enough to finish your sentences and thoughts.
It happened while you were too busy waiting it to happen.

You could collaborate with life if you take the 3 seconds of courage and let go of what you should do and actually do what you want to do.

sakura matata, spring 2015

You take time

You look at her face and you know it's real. She has been here. She has been out of here. She has been with you and without you, yet you know everything is better with her by your side.

You look at her face and you know what laughter means. She always laughs. Even through her tears. Yet her tears might be the tears of joy. That's the moment when you realise that you need to keep some things to yourself. Not to hurt her. At the same time you know she will understand if you need to tell the unpleasant truth. 

You look at her face and she can see the heart behind your eyes. It hasn't been always there. Good things take time and now she can see that you have good intentions. You are balanced. You both are balanced. Maybe you balance each other out, maybe not. But you know it's like meditating with your eyes open. 

You look at her face and get scared. You ramble. You start thinking with your cut, head, heart, eyes, maybe even liver. Your mind goes to realistic to unbelievable with just 5 seconds. You feel it's better to get scared than ruin the moment. But what moment? You can't even figure that out. Different questions pop into your head like lightning. And then you look again... See the smile. You relax. You know you're safe. By just looking at her. 

You look at her face and you like what you see. Despite... almost every little thing. But you realise that it doesn't matter. You still like it. With every weird way. 

You look at her face and you know you need to take time. 

You look at her face and you take the time. 

Trust life a little bit

So here's the thing. One day we'll look back - intentionally or by choice - and see all our experiences, stories, relationships and travels in front of us. It's our choice to make these memories now worth watching. What we really wanna see at this point? 

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

I've felt different vibes and thoughts recently. What I really wanna do? Do i really wanna do it? Is it necessary? Do I really need it?

My first real problem is that I'm sometimes too scared to dream big. Or not just dream big - but the fear of not accomplish my dreams. I'm scared of falling. Falling hard. Hitting the ground by not getting into the university I wanted, by being hurt by the love ones... 

The truth is - I shall stop this fear now. Trust life a little bit. Make things the way I want them. Strive a bit more. Believe a bit more. Enjoy a bit more. Explore a bit more. Laugh a lot more. Trust myself a little bit more.

Step by step. I'm gonna be the best version of myself.