Change of plans at 1:27pm

The moment everything crashes
is the moment I realise
it must happen now –
so something greater would come out of it.

The moment everything crashes
I can't find myself to be
the bigger person
who would understand
who would be calm
who would be quiet.

The moment I realised
that a lot of plans
and dreams
and wishes
are on a pause…

was the moment I took a deep breath in
and
kept on living.

They will come again
soon.

Collecting thoughts

Collect the thoughts what cannot be said. Or they could be said but I promise you they won't be worth the shot. You don't know why they are on you mind and expressing them might hurt them. The thoughts, or yourself or someone else - and not because it's meant to hurt but just because those thoughts were a collection of confusion, outbursting ideas (which mostly are imported to your head from someone else) and no-sense.

Collect the thoughts that have been running in and out, screaming at your mind and soul and what you actually want. Realise that sometimes you just need your time, tea, paper and a pen... to collect the thoughts that are not worth of your time. And mind.

And then you can focus on the good thoughts. The best ones.

Farewell to 2016

It was the year of grand changes. Different zip codes, places I called home, people who came and decided not to leave, and poems full of awakening. The year when my body got hit, broke down and cried, and the year when I understood it's time to heal and take time. Some good ones tried to find the connection we had, but little did we knew we were grown apart, no more emotions to add. I found a person who surprised me, showed me around and introduced me to my creative thoughts and sounds. Peace was made with me and a foreign land, I never want to escape again because it all can work out as I planned. 2016 was the year full of self-love, or at least learning how and seeing what could do and what I could become. It had its magic of breaking me into little parts, but luckily I found my way back in art. The whole year I thought maybe writing kills my mind yet I learned who I am and now I love the one I did find. I worked with people who I disagreed and helped the ones whose hands shake and bleed. 

It wasn't the year I enjoyed, I loved, I made... but it was the year when I understood I shouldn't be so afraid. I still am a bit but I try not to, it's now 2017 and I like to believe that chances are new. 

Morning light will still take my breath away, but this year I promise to live and find the beauty after it... and it's going to be okay. 

Breath away from fingertips

My mind wanders between distant countries
and being here
cuddled up.
Taking my time. And being
easy with myself.
Because either way I'm coming home.
To myself.
And I couldn't be calmer.
Impatience wants to be a part of me.
But I'm not a fan.

But tell me,
who wouldn't be impatient
when home is
so near, right there, just a breath away from your fingertips?

Undress my mind into little pieces

of which I've never seen before.

Water my eyes with tears of laughter

and water my plants with warm embrace. 

Create this little world 

and don't worry about

translation - 

everybody sees life

differently. 

#selflove2016

Talking to myself. Hoping that maybe it might inspire you as well. For God's sake, I need to stop thinking that I have to finish school so quickly or that I have to travel all the time to have adventures. Stop thinking that I only matter if somebody else puts values me or if I make it as a business woman, artist, president, politician or a hard-working-family-wife. I need to stop thinking that everything revolves around society and it's important to only make the best choices and the best memories. I need to stop my thoughts at night analysing every single step or choice in school or work or relationships. Or my creativity. I need to stop procrastinating and hurting myself with stress and bad habits. Stop thinking that I will only succeed if I climb the social ladder. Need to stop thinking that I should measure my life, present and future in success. I need to stop comparing myself with other peoples' lives... reflection and empathy is beautiful, but not in such an extreme way. I need to stop wearing a blindfold and need to understand that people see me differently than how I see myself. In a good way. I need to stop the self-doubt and I need to stop creating pseudo-problems. I need to stop the anxiety once and for all and get my heart in the right rhythm. I need to stop thinking about 2015 and rather start taking advice from the 2014-me. 2015 broke me down in bits and pieces. I need to start the self-love now. Otherwise I’ll wonder my whole life “What I should be", “What I should do" and “Who I should love".
For God's sake... I need to let go of the pressure to be perfect.

But for God's sake… that doesn’t mean it’s one of those situations where I have to eliminate all the bad stuff and put pressure on myself to “do something”. This is me acknowledging myself. Making room for all the bad because it also needs to be there - I'm just going to nourish it with love. With grand love and creativity. Mul on kõrini tingivast kõneviisist - kuulsin ainult endalt, mida peaksin tegema, kuidas oleksin ja võiksin. Nüüd pean. Tasakaalukalt. Iseendaga.

*Peace sign*

toimetas Laura Raud 

Lase rusikad lahti. vol kaks - inimesed

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Mõtle siiralt kätele, mida oled hoidnud ning headusele, mida oled kandnud.

Lase rusikad lahti ja lehvita. Viibuta sellele juhile, kes laseb sind üle tee ning väikelapsega emale, kes bussis otsib istekohta mitte ainult endale. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa. Neid, kes on su ümber, kes omavad enda mõtteid, tundeid ja nägemusi. Austa neid, kes ei jaksa teistele vastata samaga. Nad väärivad püüdluse eest siirast applausi. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad mitte armastada "traditsiooni" ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad armastada leidmata selle definitsiooni. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära muretse, kust veganid saavad proteiini. Vaata enda suhu ning taipa, kas su elu jagab sulle piisavalt adrenaliini. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja jäta emotsioonide sõda. Kõik selles haiget saavad, kuid vaid üksikud paranevad, teistele jäävad sügavad haavad. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja püüa kinni, mis maha kukub. Pole olemas kedagi, kes kord abi ei vajaks, on aga vähe neid, kes seda pakub.

Lase rusikad lahti ja osta midagi, mis hoopis su hinge paitab. Naudi teatrit, mine tantsi või laula, tee midagi, mis ka ennast aitab. Ära ainult näe, vaid kohe julgelt vaata - kõike poole pepuga tehes võid end kohe kirest eemale saata. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa neid, kes sinuga sama värvi ei jaga. Pole midagi inimlikumat kui inimlikkus ning aksepteerimine silmade taga. Austa neid, kes kodus ei saa olla, ava käed ning võta nad enda hõlma alla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja paita pisikesi kodu otsijaid. Kas vanemad pole õpetanud, et aidatakse abivajajaid? 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda ees ajalehed. Vii end kurssi, mis toimub, enne kui oma mäeotsa taas eksisteerima lähed. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja hoia oma ümbrust. Austa loodust ja klassikalist kirjandust. Kasvata usaldust ja vahel vaata kahtlevalt teadust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda uks või süda või mõistus, sellele, kes varem koputanud ei ole. Õhtud ei anna alati vastuseid, küsi uuesti hommikupoole. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning pane käima muusika, mis kõiki inimesi ühendab.

Lase rusikad lahti ning lausu eksinuile sõnu, mis neis hirmu vähendab. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta erinevusi enda kõrval.

Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta hommikuid nagu pühapäeval.

Lase rusikad lahti ning saa tuttavaks enda kõrval seisva inimesega. 

Usalda kõhutunnet ning proovi vaadata südamega.

Lase rusikad lahti

ning lama kellegagi vanalinnas keset teed

vaadates tähti. 

Lase rusikad lahti. vol üks

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Kui palju oled sa nendega juba teinud, keda puudutanud ja paitanud, kelle eest hoolt kandnud ja kui iseenda eest võidelnud. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja mässi oma käed teise ümber. Kallista seda, kellest aru sa ei saa, sest äkki siis hakkad mõistma. Kuula teda nii lähedalt, nii täpselt, et sõnad, mida lausub, muutuvad üheks sinuga.

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära reageeri, kui keegi lausub midagi, millesse ei usu sa. Iga hetk, situatsioon ja inimene ei vaja su energiat ja kisa. Nad ei oota seda. Nad ei ole tihti seda väärt. Vahel võid enda tähelepanu sulgeda.

Lase rusikad lahti ja otsi headust. Vaata, kellele saad tänaval oma käe anda ning vaata, kellele saad kodus lausuda "Hommikust." 

Lase rusikad lahti ja tule oma kupli alt südame juurde. Mida kõike sa võiksid kätega teha, korda saata, muuta ja siis taipaksid, kuidas astuda armastusse suurde. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja vii lilli põhjuseta. Ole haavatav põhjuseta. Ole eksinud põhjuseta. Ole vait põhjuseta. Naera põhjuseta. 

Ole hooliv tingimusteta.

Lase rusikad lahti, et saaksid kirjutada. Ükskõik, millest hoolid sa. Või kui ei soovi, et siis saaksid joonistada.

Lase rusikad lahti ja haara päikesest. Või haara kuust või tähtedest. Kuid haara sellest, mis sind edasi viib, haara sellest, kelleta ei oleks sa siin.

Lase rusikad lahti ja nopi marju, mida saaksid hiljem süüa. Ning järgmine kord viia aga naabrinaisele külla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja näita oma inimlikkust. Kui sa oled haavatav või eksid, kui oled ehmunud kui eksid. Kui ei toitu sa vaid teiste ebaõnnest, vaid nende tõelisi saavutusi kuulaksid. Ütle "aitäh" isegi kui tunned kohmetust ning näita teed võõrale ja lõpus jaga ka julgustavat naeratust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ole inimene. 

Ära muretse, kui vahel jutt ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on kapis luukeresid, millest hoidutakse. 

Ära muretse, kui vahel meie jalad ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on lendutõusmiseks vaja, et meist hoolitakse.

Lase rusikad lahti, sest muidu, kellegi käest sa kinni hoida ei saa. Vaatad ja näed, kuidas võiks... aga avada ennast ei suuda. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning hoia kätes, seda kellega igatsed tantsida. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning luba endale maailma ja inimkonda armastada. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning ära harjumusest sulge neid.
Usalda elu ja austa juhuseid.

Your dreams are incredibly loud

*push play* 

I don't take my luck for granted. I don't know if I move them or not. I don't have the power of changing them or even making them think. All I can do is let the magic happen by doing what I feel is important, by listening and by being gentle with their souls.
I need to move myself first in the need of moving them. And when it comes to dancing...

Then of course I do it for me. To get out the shiver, to share the emotion and maybe a piece of my present.
But mainly for you. To maybe make you understand a bit that you are not on your own with the hesitations, insecurities and love. That I will try to lift you up by showing how to fly or I'll try to lift you up by going on the ground and taking the steps with you.
I move for everybody. Everybody who can see the other side of the picture.

Darling, it's about the decision. We always share our best bits online... but we never share the emotion. Have no worries, being heart broken, sad, disappointed and out of sync is totally OK, as far as you are willing to search the resolution and heal.

I know I have lost some great battles but I also know that now the progress begins. The last dots will be connected soon and I will be one. Whole. Complete.
Not to spoil the ending for you... but everything is going to be alright.

Sentimental reasons

He visited me in my dreams and the moment I saw him I knew, I'm not healed. And it's okay.
I guess the magic comes from the unknown of how is he, what's it's like on the other side and how life turned of for him. It comes from the laughter and sentimental movies, words and greeting cards.
"Nostalgia, it's delicate but potent. In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge from your heart far more powerful than memory alone - a feeling from a place we ache to go again."

Is it time to put the summer breeze into a box of goods and leave it there to settle? Place the box to the highest self and be ready for an autumn breeze? Is it time?
Acceptance is achievable, but is letting go also?
It's strange to be stuck... because I never know if it is still a fresh wound or just an aching memory of the paper cut.

I woke up this morning with tons of confusion yet a happiness in my heart. Rolling up the curtains, seeing how the cold autumn is petting the leaves and feeling how the morning sun is following me with my stretches.
I've created a habit of putting my phone on an airplane mode when I'm sleeping and I'm unlocking it only after my morning routine (doing yoga, getting ready, having breakfast and so on). This "trick" is making me more present and I'm starting to realise again the value of real time.
Last night I created myself a monthly journal which I fulfil in the mornings and in the evenings before going to sleep. The diary is about taking time for yourself, finding happiness and creativity, and being grateful of the day ahead and behind. If it leads me on a good path... then you all can get a simple pdf copy of it.

Ohutu filter

Miks ei tee ma seda, mida tunnen, et peaksin tegema? Mitte isegi seda, mida tahaksin teha - vaid just nimelt seda, mida peaksin tegema, milleks olen tulnud ja mida loodud tegema.

Nii väga kui üks inimlik hing ka ei sooviks eksida või kardaks eksida - nii samuti on muidugi ka minuga. Võib-olla ei ole asi kartuses. Lugu on haiget saamises ning see kõlab justkui nii nagu oleksin elus läbi elanud palju ebaõnnestumisi - ei. Aga ma olen viimaste aegade seikade tõttu loonud endale võõra filtri, kes lepib paratamatusega ega julge end raputada lahti rutiinist.
Muidugi on teatud filtrite omamine kasulik - kohtudes uute inimestega, olles võõras situatsioonis või seistes silmitsi uue informatsiooniga. Kuid minu enda ja maailma vahel ei tohiks olla filtrit. See õudne plastik on mind ära lõiganud mu loomupärastest tegevustest, soovidest ja kreatiivsusest.
Ma ei karda eksida, kuna seda tuleb igapäevaselt ette. Küll aga kardan endale haiget teha ning teada saada: "Äkki ma ei tunnegi tegelikult oma loomust? Võib-olla olen temast valesti aru saanud?"
See on hirm ja kartus emotsioonide ning iseenda ees. Mugavdada ennast olukordadega, sest nii on kohane ja kindel. Ohutu... Ohutu on täpne sõna.
Mul on filtri taga väga ohutu viibida. Teades, et siin on mugav, siin on kindlam ja ambitsioonitum. Ühel hetkel avastasin, et ma ei peida tervet end filtri taha. Minu loomus ja kreatiivsus on jäänud teisele poole filtrit. Ma olen pooleks. Mu hing vaatab läbi filtri eksinud soove... Ma vaatan läbi aiaprao ning ei lähe endale appi.
Ma võiksin olukorraga lihtsalt leppida ning saada aru, et võib-olla selline ongi elu... ning samal ajal endale päevade lõpuni sisestada: "Mis siis kui...?" Mis siis kui ma oleksin endale appi läinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin proovinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin jätnud oma mugavustsooni; mis siis kui ma oleksin koputanud.
Mis siis kui...?

Ma võtsin vastu otsuse, kuidas filtri kaotamiseks ma pean tegema ära KÕIK need asjad, mis tekitavad minu sees "Mis siis kui..." efekti.
Noh... ja kui ebaõnnestun - vähemalt siis, ei mõtle ma ealeski enam proovimata ja tegemata jäänud asjadele.
Ja mis siis kui... ma olen enesekindel, et õnnestun?

Tsiteeriks oma ema: "Ole oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need kipuvad täide minema."
Sobib.

I found myself in Paris. Or did Paris find me?

To sum up. Not for you.

For me - so I could get this all out. 

People won't let you change. Simple as that.

They will take you for granted, how they are used to and as they like. Trust me if I say, that they won't help you to fight with your heartbreak, anger, loss or dry inspiration. They take you as they are used to... but don't feel bad about it or let it bother you - it's just easy for them. 

But now I have lost everything. Yet, yes, I still have all the things physically. But isn't it the most horrifying feeling when you are having it all on paper but not actually owning anything? Not being OK with where you are? Am I over analysing yet this time or do I need a true and a real wake up call from, I don't know, myself? It's time to start healing. 

A week in Paris taught me a lot. About how people are people and you do, sometimes, grow apart from yourself. Let me tell you - it is totally okay. It's normal to feel alone while you have somebody next to you and it is normal to doubt in yourself, in your actions and believe me, it's even normal to make mistakes. 

I picked up my tickets already in the summer... I guess I knew that I would be in this situation and needed to get away. The Universe warned me and I went for it. I reached to the point where I'm not just cracked up but now, I'm totally broken down. I need to take my time and start building myself up. With what I want and NOT with what people expect me to do. 

The realisation didn't come to me by mysterious muse or falling in love with Paris (which of course I did) but it came to me by surprise and more... a bit... "lamish" way. We visited Pompidou center when suddenly the alarm went off and everything got quiet. The magical moment of "what now?" was in the air. And suddenly we were all sent out by the security guards. Everything happened really quickly - you see people panicking but yet trying to calm themselves down, you see them running but being so confused about how serious the situation is. I guess we all know in our guts, at least I knew, that it wasn't a "bomb action" (hopefully). But there was still that doubt. When you see people running and panicking... then you start to realise - am I going to run with them because I'm afraid of the unknown and the life I'm living seems worth fighting... Or am I actually walking because I've reached to the point where I just don't care.

I kept on walking. 

Okay, I picked up my pace a bit because they told me to. That's it. My only thought was, it's actually pretty okay - to die between famous painters would be a death worth achieving. 

After that, in the evening when everything turned out fine (I guess, we still don't know what happened but we are alive), I started to think about myself and how sensible I am. At the same time how cold hearted I can be. What? Exactly. And yet, how my soul is missing a piece or a life or a purpose. Maybe it's missing me. 

Yes, my soul is missing me. 

I started writing down some postcards and found myself in a situation I thought I'm not having (nor I ever will) - I ether live my life with not doing things I want to and I'll accept it or I at least TRY to change something so next time I would feel the urge to run when the alarm goes on. 

So sorry if you are not letting me have my change - the ways, prospectives or creative work. I know I will get slapped because I won't behave the way they want me to, but please do understand that it is for me. And you are for you. And trust me, I don't expect anything from you. 

I'm keeping my sensibility and taking life deeply (you know, it's both a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply). But I'm cutting the "bad-ass crap" and making others happy with my "physical" work and never-ending-giving-out emotions. 

It's not "my time" like some people like to say. It's my freaking "life" and...

I'm so young to be this tired of living. (I'm not over analysing - my every true close-one can see this.)

So hello. I'm gonna start finding my roots again, sides that make other people inspired and what inspires me, reasons why I have my tattoo and beliefs that made my success.

But it's all gonna be for me at first. 

Cause being nice is cool! 

But being nice to yourself is now necessity. 

PS: Save me from your wise words. I got this. 

No need for aggressive optimism. 

Picking up books again, looking up the ones who inspire me and shaking off the tensions that I've gained.

I found myself in Paris. Or at least... Paris found me and made me realise what I'm missing - of myself.  

Two realities

Do you know the kind of dreams where everything feels so real and absurd that the moment you wake up you find yourself in a little shock or confusion?
Those dreams make you think what if there's more than meets the eye. The absurd chance of living two lives is too bizarre. But what if one life is telling the other what to do, what to expect and what is going on without words.
The dreams I have had for the past few days have been more than real. If I can't see the connection I must be pitch-blind.

Riding on the passenger seat while having car accident could mean you're taking a passive role in life/situation. Having someone in the driver's seat could mean that someone is currently calling the shorts for you. 

There're basically two ways to react towards dreams... in my opinion. You either watch them as movies, get entertained, maybe find inspiration. You go with it. Maybe you soon forgot them.
Or after waking up you could lie in your bed and give it quick think-through. Specially if those dreams are the ones that will keep you distracted. Just give it a few minutes. Feel what your conscious might be saying to you. But definitely find a solution that works for you. Don't get caught up by dreams... they are just your thoughts - maybe a bit more vivid, but it's still you.

In the end of the night you are the one who dreamt those dreams. It's you. Get to know yourself.
At least hopefully it's you.
Cause there's more than meets the eye.