Growing seed

We sat on my bed. Two days in a row. Three people in a row.
They looked at me like I was magic. And I looked at them because they are my magic.

She said I need to be here a bit more. Told me there's light I haven't seen and new spring I haven't yet adored. People who will make me laugh and people who will mean so much I need to make them laugh. There are places I don't know I want to go, mornings so beautiful I don't know and nights full of looking out the window. She promised it will be worth a wait, a try, to live, to create. She said pause if you need to learn how to see - pause if you're confused, angry or looking answers in me. You will have victories you can't believe and for your own good - maybe some times you need to leave. She wished the softness in me would start to believe that the demons in me are not my to breed. I listened to her and suddenly understood I need to leave this all behind for good. She told I must have buried myself deep, winter came and I went to sleep. Now it's time to nourish the spring, see where I can grow and what kind of love I can bring. "Please, never go before the life circle needs. You are not gone. You are just a small, growing seed."

Early spring

You panicked when it got dark. The possibility of not seeing made everything even worse -- couldn't control your words, couldn't control your thoughts, actions or even dreams at 1:27am. How you wished to see the light yet you gave up so fast. You looked outside and saw everything what you dreamed of, you looked and thought you needed to be everything you saw. The world turned off the light and you learned what it really feels. I know you couldn't move. It's the dreadful feeling of being buried alive. Being trapped in your own sense. 

You thought you were buried. 

But you were just planted. 

Usalda ennast ja koputa

Kaua ikka seista ühe ukse taga ja oodata, et see avaneb? Oodata, et sealt võtab sind vastu just see rütm, milles su keha kaotab kontrolli; see muusika, millesse võid uppuda; ning need käed, mis on valmis soojaks tervituseks?

Me võime oodata ja oodata. Kuid ükski uks ei avane ilma koputuseta.
Me võime oodata ja loota, et see avaneb siis, kui sealt on keegi enda eesmärkidel nõus lahkuma.
Me võime loota ja hinge kinni hoida. Kuid me ei saa midagi uut enda ellu, kui käsitleme asju vanal viisil.

Ning siis on meil valik, mis võib hirmutada ja panna südame ärevusepiiril värisema. Me loeme kolmeni ja koputame. Mis on kõige hullem, mis juhtuda saab? Ei tulda uksele vastu? Või tänatakse koputuse eest ning sulgetakse see taas? Ja kas see ongi see "kõige hullem"?
See on vaid usaldamine, et järgmine samm on meie enda kätes.

Wherever you are at 1:27

Teisel pool maakera
ei armastata mind rohkem,
sest nad on teisel pool
meie maakera.

_________


They don't love me more
on the other side of the world,
because they’re on the other side
of our world. 

Kas keegi teab, millal kevad tuleb?

Kas keegi teab, millal tuleb kevad ja võtab mind kaasa? Või toob tagasi? Või keerutab nii kiiresti, et tõusen lendu? Toob valguse ja alguse ja natukene ka selguse? Kinnine aken paneb ahmima õhku, mida toas ei ole. Välja näeb, aga välja ei saa. Või kui välja saab, siis ei oska sellega midagi peale hakata. Seisad ja vaatad, kõik möödub ja miski ei jää külge. Seisad ja vaatad, et kevad tuleb... aga mis siis? Kas uue ringiga tuleb vana taastamine, miski uus või hakkab korduma järjepidev muster?
Kevad toob valguse koos hommikuga ja loodab, et sa ka homme teda ootad.

My hands are cold

and my heart is gold.

I am not sure how the right way should feel like. Pretty unsure if I'm on it now. Everything I touch turns into a pile of uncertainty, sometimes freezes, often makes me doubt. Not seeing the living and only hearing the sound of broken phone line. My hands are cold, wishing the spring cherry blossoms would melt them into warm rivers. Begging them to wake up with the changing of seasons. My heart is gold. Like the sunsets now -- it's there, it's existing, gracefully existing but you know it's gone in a minute. Slowly disappearing. Going. Seeing its reasons to be there but still leaving us every time.

I am not sure why shouldn't I.

At 1:27pm you're destroying me

They have the power
to destroy me.
Somehow they do.
But only I
have the power to
build myself
a home.

Neil on võim
mind hävitada.
Seda nad teevadki.
Aga ainult minul
on võim
ehitada endale
kodu.