1:27am before flying away

I have no idea
why I came
when every time
something hits me
I want to run.
I have no idea
why am I going
when every time
I leave
I miss everything
I had.

Mul ei ole aimugi
miks ma tulin,
kui iga tagasilöögi
korral
ma tahan joosta.
Mul ei ole aimugi
miks ma lähen,
kui igal korral
lahkudes
ma igatsen kõike,
mille jätsin.

Give me a good reason why I should ever make a change... 

After 1:27pm

What comes after

is “after”
we talked about
in the beginning.
Yet when the
“after” arrives,
we have already
been talking about
new
“after”.
Are we ever there?

Mis tuleb pärast
on “pärastine”,
millest me rääkisime
kõige alguses.
Ometi kui
“pärastine” jõuab,
me juba alustasime
rääkimist
uuest “pärastisest”.
Kas me oleme kunagi
üldse kohal? 

After 1:27pm sounds

Stubborn

I've fallen in love with a stubborn heart. It planted it's seeds in the most fertile time and choose to rise even when it was too dark to see the path. It reminded me of what I am worth and reminded all the things I had forgotten. There are so many oceans I haven't swam naked in, so many spices I haven't tasted, so many stunning moments I haven't lived through. It's stubbornness said "no" when I wanted to bring myself down and screamed "yes" when I was learning to accept myself. Courage was injected in me by the most sincere laughter and the most sincere hands.
The stubborn heart wanted it. Wanted it all. And was always ready to live. It was me, who wasn't.

Sa oled ka juhus

Kuidas juhust austada, mitte juhuse teadmatusse uppuda?
Võta juhus õue jalutama. Lase tal hingata ning ise astuda. Erguta teda märkama, puudutama, uudistama. Toida teda regulaatselt nii, millist arengut sa sellelt juhuselt ootad. Lase juhusel tunda nagu ta oli oodatud juba aastaid, isegi kui ta oli täielik juhus. Paita juhust, lase tal valida, oota teda kannatlikult lahkudes tagasi. Osta talle lemmiklilli või vii ta oma lemmikpaika, saa teada, mis on tema lemmikud. Näita juhusele, et tema peopesa on tema peopesas - ta ei pea otsima - ja kui ta lubab, siis hoia kinni ta teise käe peopesast. Ümbritse teda iluga kuid õpeta teda ise seda nägema. Juhus võib tulla ja minna, tulla ja igaveseks minna... kuid juhus võib ka jääda. Tee juhusele valmis pehme ase, et ta saaks puhata ning loo talle kodu. Ära valmistu tema minekuks vaid alati valmistu tema jäämiseks. Mõnikord juhus vaid külastab ning mõnikord juhus tuleb, et jääda. Ära ehmu. Juhus on endas kindel ning loodab, et ka sina näed seda. Hoia juhust kui ta on haige, hoia kui väriseb rõõmust, hoia kui on õhtu ja anna märku, et hoiad teda ka hommikul.
Võta juhus õue jalutama, sest kohe on kevad käes.
Sa oled ka juhus.

Growing seed

We sat on my bed. Two days in a row. Three people in a row.
They looked at me like I was magic. And I looked at them because they are my magic.

She said I need to be here a bit more. Told me there's light I haven't seen and new spring I haven't yet adored. People who will make me laugh and people who will mean so much I need to make them laugh. There are places I don't know I want to go, mornings so beautiful I don't know and nights full of looking out the window. She promised it will be worth a wait, a try, to live, to create. She said pause if you need to learn how to see - pause if you're confused, angry or looking answers in me. You will have victories you can't believe and for your own good - maybe some times you need to leave. She wished the softness in me would start to believe that the demons in me are not my to breed. I listened to her and suddenly understood I need to leave this all behind for good. She told I must have buried myself deep, winter came and I went to sleep. Now it's time to nourish the spring, see where I can grow and what kind of love I can bring. "Please, never go before the life circle needs. You are not gone. You are just a small, growing seed."

Early spring

You panicked when it got dark. The possibility of not seeing made everything even worse -- couldn't control your words, couldn't control your thoughts, actions or even dreams at 1:27am. How you wished to see the light yet you gave up so fast. You looked outside and saw everything what you dreamed of, you looked and thought you needed to be everything you saw. The world turned off the light and you learned what it really feels. I know you couldn't move. It's the dreadful feeling of being buried alive. Being trapped in your own sense. 

You thought you were buried. 

But you were just planted. 

Usalda ennast ja koputa

Kaua ikka seista ühe ukse taga ja oodata, et see avaneb? Oodata, et sealt võtab sind vastu just see rütm, milles su keha kaotab kontrolli; see muusika, millesse võid uppuda; ning need käed, mis on valmis soojaks tervituseks?

Me võime oodata ja oodata. Kuid ükski uks ei avane ilma koputuseta.
Me võime oodata ja loota, et see avaneb siis, kui sealt on keegi enda eesmärkidel nõus lahkuma.
Me võime loota ja hinge kinni hoida. Kuid me ei saa midagi uut enda ellu, kui käsitleme asju vanal viisil.

Ning siis on meil valik, mis võib hirmutada ja panna südame ärevusepiiril värisema. Me loeme kolmeni ja koputame. Mis on kõige hullem, mis juhtuda saab? Ei tulda uksele vastu? Või tänatakse koputuse eest ning sulgetakse see taas? Ja kas see ongi see "kõige hullem"?
See on vaid usaldamine, et järgmine samm on meie enda kätes.