Falling in love in your sleep

Have you ever fallen in love in your sleep?

Ma võin arvata, et olen väga bad-ass ja mulle meeldivad asjad, mis tõstavad bad-assilt mu enesekindlust ja uhkust. Ma võin arvata, et ma ei hooli ja nii ongi lihtsam ja bad-assim. Ma võin ka arvata, et olen väga fearless nagu mu legendaarsete lugudega tatoveering ütleb. Ma võin arvata, et olen väga vapper ise, soovides, et mu maailm keerleks vaid nii nagu minu moraalne kohusetunne sees lubab.

Aga ma pean leppima, et pool minust jääb igaveseks Jasmineks,  Mulaniks ja Spidermani Gwen-iks.
Looking for miracles, inspiration and love.
Aga kes siis tegelikult ei otsiks?

#auskaisa2015

Ma alustasin aastat, et olla aus.
Mitte, et mina ja inimesed mu ümber oleksid niivõrd valelikud. Vaid aus mõistes, et ma olen aus iseendaga - mida ma tunnen, soovin, mõtlen ja vajan. Mitte, mida ma tahan ning veel hullem "tahaksin." Kõik algas väga lihtsalt. Ma ütlesin, mida mõtlesin; põletasin sellega palju sildu, sõitsin välja mitmest sadamast ja soovisin esmalt teha enda sees kõik korda, et saaksin taas jagada energiat teistele. Puhastada ennast ja korrastada oma mõtted, õppida tõeliselt tundma, kes ma olen.

Ma täitsin väiksena ka ise oma sõbraraamatut (kõlab naljakalt, aga ma tahaks teada inimest, kes seda ei teinud või kellele see ei meeldinud), sest oli tore mõelda, kes ma olen ja mis mulle meeldib. Mis film on tõesti mu lemmik ja mis loom iseloomustaks mind. Mis mulle meeldis eelmine aasta ja milliseks inimeseks olen ma kasvanud nüüd. Miks? Me oleme unustanud iseenda. Sest nüüd üha enam me kipume mõtlema välismaailmale - mis toimub mujal, kuidas on meie kallimatel. Keskendume sellega probleemidele, mis saavad alguse kaugelt. Ei, meie ei olegi otseselt süüdi ebameeldivates asjades, mis võivad juhtuda meist 4000 km kaugusel. Küll aga on süüdi inimesed. Ning et takistada halba ei tohi tuld tulega kustutada. Peale on vaja lasta voolata natukene vett, et tuli kustuks ning uus saaks jõudu taas kasvada. Seega iseenda tutvustamine endale viib esmalt meid balanssi hinges. Üks inimene on juba muutus. Mitte loota kellelegi peale
seitsme maa ja mere taga, et tema saaks sellest elust aru nii nagu meie. Kas meie ise saame? Kõige pealt mina ja siis aitan maailma.

Ehk mõtlen esmalt iseendale - mis on minu eesmärk iseendaga ning siis maailmaga. Kui me kõik keskenduks iseenda headusele ning loobiks seda ringi nii nagu me loobime halbu kommentaare... siis oleks nii mõnedki asjad teisiti.
Istume maha ja mõtleme, mis on meie nimi, miks, kellega me jagame perekonda, mis muusika teeb meid õnnelikuks ja milline toit kasvatab keha. Paneme voolama endas ausa vee, mis ei vii meid silmakeerutusteni ja eelarvamuseni. Mõtleme enne kui ütleme... aga ärme jäta sellepärast asju ütlemata. Ole aus - ole haavatav - ole inimene. Mida rohkem aus oled sa endaga, seda lihtsam. Raske on neil, kellega sa oled aus ja kes ei suuda endaga ausad olla. Nad ei oska reageerida. Nad ei näe kõrgemalt probleeme - ainult upuvad nende sees. Anna neile aega ja võimalust.

Kõik võtab aega. Kui kõik on paigas, siis miski lööb selle ikka rütmist välja. Aga elu sääne ongi. Tuleb aksepteerida kahetsusi, teha parimat nüüd ja praegu ning kindlasti mitte muretseda tuleviku pärast, mis reaalselt ei ole meile ette kirjutatud.

See ei ole survestamine agressiivsele optimismile; see on endas rahu leidmine ning nautimine -
kuidas headus ei levi mitte nagu kulutuli... vaid levib nagu armastus.

Life got in the way

I was waiting for the "right moments" and convincing myself that I'm with the "right person." I looked for something that was "right" for the eye even though I were the one who was always appreciating the things that are not viable for the eyes. I got caught up by the "right things to say," the "right grades to get" and the "right breaks to take." I was doing all the "right moves" to be me - inside and out; doing the "right calls" to get to the places I wanted to be. I only showed the "right emotions" suitable for the situation.

Luckily one day I took my head out of the "right sandbox" and realised that I have lived somehow the wrong way. The left way. The unnecessary way. The "not-actually-me" way. I can't even find the "right" words to describe it. I guess... the not-suitable-way & not-seeing-any-improvement-way.
I was so dedicated myself to the "right things" that I lost the meaning of doing those things.

So this is why honest-Kaisa-2015 (#auskaisa2015) became brutal to use. Not just to say things out to people who hurt you or who you love - but also show yourself that being honest is like being fearless (which is not the absence of having fears - it's the meaning of fighting against them). So becoming honest wasn't my objective because I was the criminal kid who always lied her way into good or bad. It meant understanding the present.
What hurts you, what makes you laugh, what you want to say but are too scared to say, what you think you have and what you would like to have. Honestly sincere, honestly sad, honestly making decisions that are 100% based on your own good and health. And also honestly caring and trying to make things better for others. Having compassion and passion towards family, friends, strangers, life, laughter and tears. Being honestly fearless.

In my world it's just me against the world. No, not against. Me with the world.
And it's the same for everybody. Born with a Final Cut Pro... making our own movies. In our heads and with our hands.

Time, me and the sea

Traveling is about sun kissed skin, cute eye contact and not knowing what happens next. 

Losing time in the same continent. 

I finally lost myself in time, me and the sea.
I breathe in the salty air, the warm summer breeze and words which I don't understand. I manage to get nothing done but that's the whole plan. To do nothing and at the same time explore everything. Or at least let the wind blow my boat to one way and then the other. Let the waves shake me until I find my center and language again. I feel the sand crumble between my fingertips and skin. It's the sound of feeling alive and enjoying the sleep; walking as far as I can and sitting every time when possible; it's the sound of thinking and releasing.
Then I understood that I lost myself in me... with time, responsibilities and people.
I found myself in the sea.
Doing nothing but being everything.

I don't trust people who won't give a chance to discover mountains, enjoy beach hair or find peace in summery Europe. 

Lose every sense of time

If you are going to be tired... be tired like a sloth and relocate yourself to somewhere good. 

I get too excited of living and too scared of the fact that life is passing me by...
And now I'm here. Tired of trying to see, do and be everything. Tired of holding my eyes open and making sure I'm not missing anything inspirational. Tired of sleepless nights when my brain is working in full speed and dreams feel more real than reality. Tired of hoping to make everything work when sometimes things just need to brake down.
So now it's time to rest. Reset. Restart. Take a breath or two and just zone out. Push the snooze button. Have everything in slow motion and put everybody "on silent."
Time to talk less. Listen to more music. And quietness of my thoughts. And dreams.

Inimene on protsess. Ning see teeb inimeseks olemise väga võluvaks. See, et sa pidevalt muutud.