Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Ei, ma ei arvanud, et ma kohtan sind

ja ometigi sai see teoks. 
Sina olid keegi,
kes tungis läbi kõikide müüride,
kes avas kõik lukustatud uksed... 

Kas tõesti ainult selleks, et minuga kokku saada?

Ja nüüd on minu kord - 
minna läbi kõikide müüride
ja suletud uste sinuni.
Lootuses, et me teed
veel kunagi kohtuvad. 

- Miina Hint

Ja ma istusin ja mõtlesin. Seisin ja lugesin. Ohkasin ja keerutasin. Viskasin pikali ning sulgesin silmad. Vaatasin peeglis endale otsa ning sain aru... sel hetkel ei olnud vaja kedagi otsida - ma rääkisin endale iseendast. 

Saturday, June 25, 2016


I hear the summer breeze
and think
if this isn't good
then I don't know what is. 

. . . . . 

We have our small
Italy in the middle of
Full of italian wine,
Mostly soul. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

I start living

I start living.
And by that I don't mean trying.
Or I don't mean starting to.
I don't mean hoping to start living
nor wishing, believing or doing my best.

I start living by
creating this freedom around me
which contains of being mature but breaking it,
thinking about falling but actually flying. 

It contains of small pieces
of which I had forgot, 
leading me and introducing me
to myself. 

I start living and planting seeds
to places I've never been.
Defining myself with ideas not facts.
It seemed dark in the ground,
but spring watered me to come out
and made me blossom in the summer.

I start living by
wanting to go and wanting to stay. 

Around you 
I start living.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Breath away from fingertips

My mind wanders between distant countries
and being here
cuddled up.
Taking my time. And being
easy with myself.
Because either way I'm coming home.
To myself.
And I couldn't be calmer.
Impatience wants to be a part of me.
But I'm not a fan.

But tell me,
who wouldn't be impatient
when home is
so near, right there, just a breath away from your fingertips?

Undress my mind into little pieces
of which I've never seen before.
Water my eyes with tears of laughter
and water my plants with warm embrace. 
Create this little world 
and don't worry about
translation - 
everybody sees life

Tuesday, June 14, 2016


Recovery can make you or break you. Mentally. You either give up or force yourself moving forward.

3 months ago my only thought was - what if it won't work out. Was that what I needed to understand what means the most in my life? Was it really necessary to make me stand still so I would understand how much I need to move? How I live to move.

Now I wake up with thoughts of me being better. And by better I mean being in one piece.
I wake up, move myself quietly and thank myself for not giving up. Being easy with myself, yet determined to push myself to unknown zones.
I'm choosing of staying and not even staying but moving on.
My body is a stranger to me and every single day I'm trying to get closer again. Trying to be friends again. Getting to know every bone, every place that needs healing and every muscle whose scared to hurt herself.

If I need a quiet place, I will find it. If I need stories and people to take my mind off from it - they are here - thankfully. And If I want to be happy again... then I need to flow again.

I understood myself after I destroyed myself.
And in the process of fixing myself physically, I found myself mentally and found out, what means the most in everyday life.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

And we keep living...

The moment I kept on walking was the moment I already knew I wanted to turn back. Even if I knew I was going back one day I was missing it already. Because on that moment my life was just that one day - new one was distant future and so my whole life was in on that day.

I realised that everything I wanted I had to make happen in that exact moment. No one will guarantee me that I can say tomorrow the things I'm holding in, that tomorrow will be the chance for me to go and do and be... Tomorrow is not here and all we have is today.
Our whole life with our past and wishful future is happening today.

Now it's a new day. Another day. Days have passed. And I haven't went back.
But since I'm wiser that I was yesterday... I'm going back today.
Can't miss another minute.
Going to move with the ones who teach me something new, move with the ones who will make me insanely happy, move with the ones who help me to become closer to breathing.
A year ago I wished I was in this moment I am today. It all worked out... and soon it will be even better.

Something is keeping us alive. And we keep living. Despite it all.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Meeletult ausam. Õrnem. Tõelisem.

On möödas peaegu aasta, kui ma kirjutasin #auskaisa2015 peatüki. On möödas aasta sellest kui arvasin, et nüüd olen aus. On möödas aasta ning lõpuks ma olen selle saavutanud.

Ma olen lõpuks saavutanud vabaduse - olla aus iseendaga ning vaadata, mida see muudab minu ümber. Huvitav on jälgida, kes kuulab ja leiab selles austust... ning keda see hirmutab. Kes leiab, et inimesed ei ole ikka ausad ning kes sellega näitavad, kui vähe nad suudavad üleüldse usaldada.
Mul võttis tegelikult, väga täpselt aasta, et siia jõuda.
Et olla aus.
Olla haavatav.
Olla inimene.
Kõige tormilisem aeg on möödas ning ma olen inimene. Täpselt nii nagu iga teine mu kõrval seisja.

Olla aus iseendaga ning keskendumine endale viis mu tee tagasi nende juurde, kes mind vajavad - ma saan taas aidata. Ma saan olla olemas, nii füüsiliselt kui vaimselt, oma lähedaste jaoks (mitte alati, aga ma teen püüdlusi sinna poole), ma leian endas energiat, et aidata. Et olla olemas. Inimesena.
Mitte oodata, et heade asjadega tegemine tekitaks minus head tunnet. Vaid leida endas valik ja vabadus... Levitada headust nagu armastust, mitte lasta sel levida nagu kulutuli.

Ma imestasin selle jutu üle, mida #auskaisa2015 tekitas nendes ("kuidas sa oled nii isekas ja tahad vaid endale head?"), kellele jäi arusaamatuks - et anda teistele head pead ise ka seest õitsema. 
Teised ei vääri su halva energiaga abi, isekat abi, ebakindlat abi...

Kõik on rohkem õrnem ning seetõttu ka meeletult ilusam.
Meeletult ausam.

Enjoy it. Because it's happening.

Morning walk and coffee hunt in Vilnius turned into laughter, sightseeing and hanging out in good company. It's possible to go there every year and not take a break of the madness - it's possible to not see what's surrounding us. So we took a break from the beautiful dance chaos and strolled our way to Vilnius' center. Sunday morning thoughts and beautiful laughter woke us up and gave the day a great kick.