Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Sentimental reasons

He visited me in my dreams and the moment I saw him I knew, I'm not healed. And it's okay.
I guess the magic comes from the unknown of how is he, what's it's like on the other side and how life turned of for him. It comes from the laughter and sentimental movies, words and greeting cards.
"Nostalgia, it's delicate but potent. In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge from your heart far more powerful than memory alone - a feeling from a place we ache to go again."

Is it time to put the summer breeze into a box of goods and leave it there to settle? Place the box to the highest self and be ready for an autumn breeze? Is it time?
Acceptance is achievable, but is letting go also?
It's strange to be stuck... because I never know if it is still a fresh wound or just an aching memory of the paper cut.

I woke up this morning with tons of confusion yet a happiness in my heart. Rolling up the curtains, seeing how the cold autumn is petting the leaves and feeling how the morning sun is following me with my stretches.
I've created a habit of putting my phone on an airplane mode when I'm sleeping and I'm unlocking it only after my morning routine (doing yoga, getting ready, having breakfast and so on). This "trick" is making me more present and I'm starting to realise again the value of real time.
Last night I created myself a monthly journal which I fulfil in the mornings and in the evenings before going to sleep. The diary is about taking time for yourself, finding happiness and creativity, and being grateful of the day ahead and behind. If it leads me on a good path... then you all can get a simple pdf copy of it.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Ohutu filter

Miks ei tee ma seda, mida tunnen, et peaksin tegema? Mitte isegi seda, mida tahaksin teha - vaid just nimelt seda, mida peaksin tegema, milleks olen tulnud ja mida loodud tegema.

Nii väga kui üks inimlik hing ka ei sooviks eksida või kardaks eksida - nii samuti on muidugi ka minuga. Võib-olla ei ole asi kartuses. Lugu on haiget saamises ning see kõlab justkui nii nagu oleksin elus läbi elanud palju ebaõnnestumisi - ei. Aga ma olen viimaste aegade seikade tõttu loonud endale võõra filtri, kes lepib paratamatusega ega julge end raputada lahti rutiinist.
Muidugi on teatud filtrite omamine kasulik - kohtudes uute inimestega, olles võõras situatsioonis või seistes silmitsi uue informatsiooniga. Kuid minu enda ja maailma vahel ei tohiks olla filtrit. See õudne plastik on mind ära lõiganud mu loomupärastest tegevustest, soovidest ja kreatiivsusest.
Ma ei karda eksida, kuna seda tuleb igapäevaselt ette. Küll aga kardan endale haiget teha ning teada saada: "Äkki ma ei tunnegi tegelikult oma loomust? Võib-olla olen temast valesti aru saanud?"
See on hirm ja kartus emotsioonide ning iseenda ees. Mugavdada ennast olukordadega, sest nii on kohane ja kindel. Ohutu... Ohutu on täpne sõna.
Mul on filtri taga väga ohutu viibida. Teades, et siin on mugav, siin on kindlam ja ambitsioonitum. Ühel hetkel avastasin, et ma ei peida tervet end filtri taha. Minu loomus ja kreatiivsus on jäänud teisele poole filtrit. Ma olen pooleks. Mu hing vaatab läbi filtri eksinud soove... Ma vaatan läbi aiaprao ning ei lähe endale appi.
Ma võiksin olukorraga lihtsalt leppida ning saada aru, et võib-olla selline ongi elu... ning samal ajal endale päevade lõpuni sisestada: "Mis siis kui...?" Mis siis kui ma oleksin endale appi läinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin proovinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin jätnud oma mugavustsooni; mis siis kui ma oleksin koputanud.
Mis siis kui...?

Ma võtsin vastu otsuse, kuidas filtri kaotamiseks ma pean tegema ära KÕIK need asjad, mis tekitavad minu sees "Mis siis kui..." efekti.
Noh... ja kui ebaõnnestun - vähemalt siis, ei mõtle ma ealeski enam proovimata ja tegemata jäänud asjadele.
Ja mis siis kui... ma olen enesekindel, et õnnestun?

Tsiteeriks oma ema: "Ole oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need kipuvad täide minema."

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I found myself in Paris. Or did Paris find me?

To sum up. Not for you.
For me - so I could get this all out. 

People won't let you change. Simple as that.
They will take you for granted, how they are used to and as they like. Trust me if I say, that they won't help you to fight with your heartbreak, anger, loss or dry inspiration. They take you as they are used to... but don't feel bad about it or let it bother you - it's just easy for them. 
But now I have lost everything. Yet, yes, I still have all the things physically. But isn't it the most horrifying feeling when you are having it all on paper but not actually owning anything? Not being OK with where you are? Am I over analysing yet this time or do I need a true and a real wake up call from, I don't know, myself? It's time to start healing. 

A week in Paris taught me a lot. About how people are people and you do, sometimes, grow apart from yourself. Let me tell you - it is totally okay. It's normal to feel alone while you have somebody next to you and it is normal to doubt in yourself, in your actions and believe me, it's even normal to make mistakes. 
I picked up my tickets already in the summer... I guess I knew that I would be in this situation and needed to get away. The Universe warned me and I went for it. I reached to the point where I'm not just cracked up but now, I'm totally broken down. I need to take my time and start building myself up. With what I want and NOT with what people expect me to do. 

The realisation didn't come to me by mysterious muse or falling in love with Paris (which of course I did) but it came to me by surprise and more... a bit... "lamish" way. We visited Pompidou center when suddenly the alarm went off and everything got quiet. The magical moment of "what now?" was in the air. And suddenly we were all sent out by the security guards. Everything happened really quickly - you see people panicking but yet trying to calm themselves down, you see them running but being so confused about how serious the situation is. I guess we all know in our guts, at least I knew, that it wasn't a "bomb action" (hopefully). But there was still that doubt. When you see people running and panicking... then you start to realise - am I going to run with them because I'm afraid of the unknown and the life I'm living seems worth fighting... Or am I actually walking because I've reached to the point where I just don't care.
I kept on walking. 
Okay, I picked up my pace a bit because they told me to. That's it. My only thought was, it's actually pretty okay - to die between famous painters would be a death worth achieving. 

After that, in the evening when everything turned out fine (I guess, we still don't know what happened but we are alive), I started to think about myself and how sensible I am. At the same time how cold hearted I can be. What? Exactly. And yet, how my soul is missing a piece or a life or a purpose. Maybe it's missing me. 
Yes, my soul is missing me. 
I started writing down some postcards and found myself in a situation I thought I'm not having (nor I ever will) - I ether live my life with not doing things I want to and I'll accept it or I at least TRY to change something so next time I would feel the urge to run when the alarm goes on. 

So sorry if you are not letting me have my change - the ways, prospectives or creative work. I know I will get slapped because I won't behave the way they want me to, but please do understand that it is for me. And you are for you. And trust me, I don't expect anything from you. 
I'm keeping my sensibility and taking life deeply (you know, it's both a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply). But I'm cutting the "bad-ass crap" and making others happy with my "physical" work and never-ending-giving-out emotions. 
It's not "my time" like some people like to say. It's my freaking "life" and...
I'm so young to be this tired of living. (I'm not over analysing - my every true close-one can see this.)

So hello. I'm gonna start finding my roots again, sides that make other people inspired and what inspires me, reasons why I have my tattoo and beliefs that made my success.
But it's all gonna be for me at first. 
Cause being nice is cool! 
But being nice to yourself is now necessity. 

PS: Save me from your wise words. I got this. 
No need for aggressive optimism. 

Picking up books again, looking up the ones who inspire me and shaking off the tensions that I've gained.
I found myself in Paris. Or at least... Paris found me and made me realise what I'm missing - of myself.  

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

... she also wanted to see Paris

She wanted to die but she also wanted to see Paris. 

*Push play*

I escaped so I could ran into myself. 
I wish I could collect my thoughts and put them on paper but I guess they still wouldn't be worthy enough for Paris.  I've been trying to understand and define the feelings it gives me; been trying to describe how I see it - but with no luck. My words would seem such cliches and I would go on and on about how beautiful it is, how magical it makes me feel and how I wish I could stay in this tiny parisian apartment forever. 
But the truth is... it's all that. Honestly and simply, I'm being blinded by the emotions I feel and the beauty I see. 

"Don't fall in love with Paris. You want to stay here. Don't fall in love in Paris. You will need to stay here. Don't come to Paris... if you are planning to go back home - you will leave your heart here."

Give me few more days so I could collect my thoughts. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Take the magical first step

I got so caught up... about wanting everything and wanting it "now."
Wanting to visit every country on my bucket list; taking up every hobby which sounds amazing; making everything, if not perfect, then good enough; wishing to get the approval now; needing my own approval now; wanting the other half and the same time hoping to be alone. Wanting everything quickly or not at all. I don't mean "wanting it easy" but wanting it fast and good enough so it could count. 
And then I got lost.
I got lost and found myself in a rush of living but not actually focusing and doing. Not actually being present with my physical, soul and mind.

So now I have decided to take a step back, look at myself and not realise where I took the wrong step... but what would be the next step on the right path. Can't undo what's done and I'm not getting any younger - so better now than when I'm 60 and think "I could have had the time..."

Taking one country, goal, breath and step at a time. One thing every day that makes me closer to my selected wishes. I know I could do everything, at the same time and make everything mediocrely good... But it tears me apart. Makes me feel like I'm doing everything half-assed.
So on thing at a time.

Let's start. Using the magic.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Late night thoughts and morning words

Push "play"

I'm doing the things I have to do. And not the things I want to do.
Stop telling me it's a part of growing up.
We all know it's not.
It's the part of giving up. There's a grande difference. And I'm ignoring it.

I want to delete all. Erase all the heartbreaks, all doubts, all bruisers and all safeness. I look up to some of my friends who're always sticking onto what means them the most. Not taking any easy ways out(s), not wishing it would all just land on their laps. 
I admire him by sticking onto what matters the most. And not coming here, not starting a new life here but making the most over there. At least not coming here yet. He's making everything true - every movement has a soul, every word has a meaning. Making everything alive and living... even with some great struggle. 
I admire her for delating the accounts but not delating herself. Doing what matters to her and not what matters to others. Staying in if needed, going if wanted and being present. Even in doubt. Being in place. Breaking but not fading away. Her nature is so fragile, soft and lovable, but she still manages to be the biggest fighter I know. 

So cheers to "doing what you love." And cheers to "never stop doing that." 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Throwing cool kids around

We raised our glasses to the one and only... and then started dancing like it was the last night in our lives. 

There're some kids I might only see once or twice in a year. And yet we will pick up everything where we left them. And I will admire them, laugh with them and be proud of them forever and ever and ever. And ever. 

One weird group of amazing humans. 


Saturday, October 10, 2015

"Koi No Yokan"

There's a Japanese word for that "we could fall in love" feeling you sometimes get when first meeting a person.
"Koi No Yokan" 

I guess we all get that feeling. The moment you pick somebody of the crowded street or cafe full of people. Locking your eyes onto a stranger have never felt so relaxing. Everything becomes quiet. Sometimes you forgot to look away and you just keep gazing them with strange hope and unknown connection. You literally can't hear. You're literally slowly drowning in to the ones eyes. You literally don't know what the other human is thinking. You stare. Because that's the only thing you actually can do.

But sometimes everything will start racing faster - your heart, the time, the vibes. You get anxious and want to prove yourself to some stranger, who might not even have the "koi no yokan" feeling. And I've discovered that I'm not looking for heart-racing-mind-blowing thing.
I'm looking for blissfulness mixed with passion and getting lost. Looking for the moment when I can't hear my friends talking to me. Blissfulness, when I don't even know if this is real or is the other person just a daydreaming fantasy.

I'm looking for everything to get quiet.
Looking for a whiskey in a teacup.

And whoever commented that I'm not salted caramel and I'm actually whiskey in a teacup. 
Well thank you. 
I was weirdly moved. 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Falling in love in your sleep

Have you ever fallen in love in your sleep?

Ma võin arvata, et olen väga bad-ass ja mulle meeldivad asjad, mis tõstavad bad-assilt mu enesekindlust ja uhkust. Ma võin arvata, et ma ei hooli ja nii ongi lihtsam ja bad-assim. Ma võin ka arvata, et olen väga fearless nagu mu legendaarsete lugudega tatoveering ütleb. Ma võin arvata, et olen väga vapper ise, soovides, et mu maailm keerleks vaid nii nagu minu moraalne kohusetunne sees lubab.

Aga ma pean leppima, et pool minust jääb igaveseks Jasmineks,  Mulaniks ja Spidermani Gwen-iks.
Looking for miracles, inspiration and love.
Aga kes siis tegelikult ei otsiks?

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Mul veab kaardimängus

Ainus, mis minus igavust võib tekitada olen mina ise.

Kui sulle saadetakse teist nädalavahetust järjest tasuta pilet, et minna tantsima ja nautima, siis peab minema. Kui sulle antakse võimalus naerda, siis ole valmis ja ära lõpeta enne, kui on pisarad silmis. Kui sulle antakse võimalus midagi öelda, siis mõtle, loe kolmeni ja ütle - sest koputamata jäänud ust ei tulda kunagi avama. Kui sa taas võidad, siis ole tänulik ning ära võta seda iseenesest mõistetavana. Öeldakse, et sa kasvad siis, kui teed midagi, mis sind hirmutab. Kui õigesti küsida, siis universum vastab sulle - varem või hiljem. Võib-olla omamoodi. Aga vastus tuleb.

Elu on juhus.
Ja juhust tuleb austada.
Kellel ei vea armastuses... sellel veab vähemalt kaardimängus - mis võib vahelduseks lausa päris tore olla.