Monday, January 25, 2016

Mellow Monday tunes

Hit play and enjoy an hour long playlist for your chill Monday. Or to make your Monday chill, if it's not chill enough. 

Here's the thing. Monday's are actually short. Weeks are short. One month or even a year will pass by really quickly. 
So you have an option... to listen to good music, drink good coffee and do good for you & others. 
The year will pass by too quickly and if you only think what you should do and should accomplish... 
If you do so, then I believe it will be a year of waisting your precious time. 
No matter where you are, be all in. Soon the day will be over and you don't want to waste it on analysing past and being freaked out about future. 

Put on good tunes and whatever you are doing (running, working, laying on the floor, cooking, loving, studying) do it with all your heart and attention. Relax with attention. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Dating, getting into a relationship and saying "Yes"

    I started dating myself in the end of 2014. And like dating is, it has its ups and downs. You go out with yourself and you actually, most of the times, find you are not right for you. Guess what, this is the worst thing to find out - you sometimes don't want to spend time with yourself. Sometimes you annoy yourself with foolish acts of doubt or anger. Sometimes you understand that you, yourself, are not the kind of person you want to be with.
    Dating is hard. Specially when you are trying to date yourself while you are dating others. I do have to apologise for that... maybe it wasn't you who I couldn't be with. Most of the times it was myself. 
    The whole year I was on and off with myself, I broke up with so many people and places and vibes, and yes, often with myself also. And for what? Just because I thought it will make me want to date myself... Confusing, I know. When all the bridges were finally burnt I understood that in the end of the day I'm still going to sleep being - me. Doesn't matter who I'm with or not, I'm still in my own body and mind. I was hoping that if I erase all the distracting factors then I will find time and peace to date myself. Get to know myself. Be with myself. Understand myself. 
    As it turned out, dating yourself is even harder than dating others. You get to decide if you take the person on a journey with you, but with yourself... there's no yes, no, maybe, give me time, let's take it slow. You, yourself, have to go to bed every night with yourself and wake up with yourself, no exceptions. 

    It is, as you can see, not an easy road to walk. At one point of the road I decided to drop everything and also myself. Specially get rid of the the expectations I had on myself. I realised that the true me will come out if I don't push it. I was so done with dating and I was exhausted of the emotional swinging. 
    Just as I thought... the beginning of autumn I met myself. There it was, the instant connection, the one that dating just don't give me. Magical connection, when I want to look back twice, when I take a mental picture of every slow second and realise that I found... me. 
I slowed my pace and stood still. I wanted to crab myself by the hand and walk with myself. 

    So I made it official. I stepped into a relationship with myself in the autumn of 2015. (Yes, let's open up the heart shape candy boxes and have midnight dreaming sessions) 
   Of course, life doesn't make anything easy. It makes everything simple, but not easy. I got butterflies in my stomach when I realised what I want to do and who I am. It's the first stage of the relationship - living in a bubble with laughter and no self doubt. Yet, there is the word "but"...
But I soon realised that being in a relationship is harder than it used to be - I needed to find time for myself, make myself laugh, be supportive and honest. Be by my own side when things got rough and hesitations took over sleeping hours. I needed to remind myself that I'm here and I'm with me, doing every move to make this work. And so I did. 
    I turned this relationship into the best relationship I've ever had. Made some dreams come true, made friends with myself and with people I never thought I would. I opened up books I was keeping 'til the time was right and I had time, I spent my moments with love and wanders. I finally got to knew my exclusive skills, sides and patterns. I learned to be proud of myself, laugh meaningless things off and say out things I was holding in. 

    I made some adjustments to make myself even more happier in this relationship. It all have worked out good (not aiming for perfection). Of course, some moments can be more emotional than should be and some situations need a perspective, but we are learning. We? Me with myself. To myself. For myself. 
    I proposed to myself in December. And I said "Yes!" 

.   .   .   .

    Now, 2016, I will firmly announce that I will marry myself in this year. 2016 will be the year of self love and big celebrations. Marriage won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Living while being married to myself will be easier. If not easy. Because now I will know, that I... will always have my back. 

Dear readers, 
You are all invited to my wedding. 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Stay curious after the "Hello!"

Sometimes it comes when you've finally stopped seeking it. It will come with the spontaneous "Hello" and the instant connection. And at that moment you realise that he is completely different of the person you thought he's going to be. Plus, completely different of the person you thought you would look twice to. Every little detail becomes vivid and you'll become to believe in luck again. It all will make you soft, soften your ground and your prejudices.
It happens, the same way as life happens. You are here in the exact moment, the exact time and place, and all you can do is put on a curious smile... because nothing is more exciting than meeting someone in the middle of chaos and realise that life is teaching you something again. You just don't know if it's a lesson or a blessing.
Don't stay invisible to good accidents and to yourself. You, literally, never know where the next step is taking you.

Be curious; what goes around, comes around.
Also your thoughts 4 months ago... and your dreams 10 years ago.
Stay curious.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

My own kind of mountains

They help me see things in perspective. They take me on trips before I physically even move. They make my grumpiness into something sweet and true. They laugh when I need it the most and nod when they understand it's time to be quiet. They are brutally honest, sometimes scary-honest... but always honest because of respect and care. They surprise me every time with their empathy to say the exact things on the right moments. They make my hair messy and my feet dirty, and give me little adventures every day. They ride bikes with me. They let me lift them up and accept my need of spreading human kindness. They will fight with me when I need to get back to myself. They inject curiosity to my veins and give me a head start - so I could run wild, discover what I don't know yet and be surprised by every little new fact life gives me. What they give me.
They make me feel like I don't know anything. In a good way. They are the better extra half of me, not my other half. Because I'm whole and they are too. We are just cherries on top of our favourite ice creams.

They are my mountains I've always dreamt to go.
Instead of being thousands of kilometres away... they are here.
They are my mountains.

Monday, January 11, 2016

I look forward of meeting you

I'm left with the unknown and I like it. Maybe even more than I should.

He gives me something to write about, something so sudden and fresh. I feel like I landed 3 years back, I'm so new yet so full of excitement and comfort. My laughter follows me everywhere and my cheeks turn red way more often than they supposed to. 
He gives me something to listen about and I've always been (mediocrely) a good listener. The sound of it puts me to sleep, wakes me up, starts movements in me I wasn't sure were still there, gives me strength to be myself with myself. 
Though they say that good things take time, I say - maybe all my life I've been taken the time to land just where I am now. Maybe this is the good thing that took time. That took me through love and lost, far away lands and finding home, anxiety and happiness, sleepless nights and countless sunrises. Maybe it will take some more time. Or effort. Or even suffering. 
Or maybe it's just a phase. 
Either way it's a good thing, full of unknown, meaningful days and hope for more. 

I'm not asking questions and he's not answering. And I couldn't wish for more. 
Whatever comes next. I still look forward of meeting you. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016


Talking to myself. Hoping that maybe it might inspire you as well. For God's sake, I need to stop thinking that I have to finish school so quickly or that I have to travel all the time to have adventures. Stop thinking that I only matter if somebody else puts values me or if I make it as a business woman, artist, president, politician or a hard-working-family-wife. I need to stop thinking that everything revolves around society and it's important to only make the best choices and the best memories. I need to stop my thoughts at night analysing every single step or choice in school or work or relationships. Or my creativity. I need to stop procrastinating and hurting myself with stress and bad habits. Stop thinking that I will only succeed if I climb the social ladder. Need to stop thinking that I should measure my life, present and future in success. I need to stop comparing myself with other peoples' lives... reflection and empathy is beautiful, but not in such an extreme way. I need to stop wearing a blindfold and need to understand that people see me differently than how I see myself. In a good way. I need to stop the self-doubt and I need to stop creating pseudo-problems. I need to stop the anxiety once and for all and get my heart in the right rhythm. I need to stop thinking about 2015 and rather start taking advice from the 2014-me. 2015 broke me down in bits and pieces. I need to start the self-love now. Otherwise I’ll wonder my whole life “What I should be", “What I should do" and “Who I should love".
For God's sake... I need to let go of the pressure to be perfect.

But for God's sake… that doesn’t mean it’s one of those situations where I have to eliminate all the bad stuff and put pressure on myself to “do something”. This is me acknowledging myself. Making room for all the bad because it also needs to be there - I'm just going to nourish it with love. With grand love and creativity. Mul on kõrini tingivast kõneviisist - kuulsin ainult endalt, mida peaksin tegema, kuidas oleksin ja võiksin. Nüüd pean. Tasakaalukalt. Iseendaga.

*Peace sign*

toimetas Laura Raud 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Petit Parisian vacation

Small snaps from Paris. 
They take me back to October when everything got clear and my heart become vibrant again. 

Some places bring out the best in you, others bring out the worst. 
And then there are those remarkably rare ones... those places will bring out the most. Of everything. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

Thoughts about 2015 vol 2

2015 was the year of intensive growth.

I'm not at all the person I was year ago. Or even half a year ago. Or even 2 months ago.
And for the first time I can see the progress.
Were being lost began and finding myself ended.
What a rebel. Why? Because in society book I turned 180 and with true confidence.
I got out of love and into again,  I grew in love and out again. I grew with stubbornness and aiming for stupid perfection. I grew with learning how to heal and starting to heal. I grew with accepting myself.

I learned what I would do to love. What I would do for love and with love.
And all the time I was looking for others to love... where the truth was I needed to love myself.

When people asked me: What do you love? I always said: "Dancing, singing, he or she or family, to travel, to wander, to read..." But never "myself."
And I guess for 2016 it's the goal... to proudly say: "I love myself." Because we say that way too little.

It was what it was. And in the end of the day... it's the end on the day.
I'm still proud. Of learning. Or growing. Of being able to send the day to an end.

Thoughts about 2015

Sometimes when you are in the dark place you think you've been buried... but actually you've been planted. 

Christine Caine 
I say to myself: It's OK
I've always said to other people that it's okay to mess up or even fuck up. Sorry for my language. But I've always managed to raise them with the thought that we are all human and if it's not your heart or body you've messed up... it's okay and often it can be fixed.
Told them to stay calm about their pursuit of balanced life, finding what you want to learn and doing what they really feel is good and valued in their book.
Yet I've never told that to myself. I always wished that others will say that: "Oh, honey, it's OK to be wrong. It's OK to quit if you're not healthy physically or mentally... It's truly OK to live."
I kept quiet. I didn't talk to myself. Always just to others.
And then it really hit me... I need to say this to myself.

I took few steps back and put everything in perspective. Here I am now, there I was and where exactly do I really want to go - I don't know, yet. What "my kind of beautiful" means and how these little mistakes or misunderstandings are ruining the big picture. Are they? Or maybe they are just there... just small bumps and nothing much?

Guess it was a year of great experiences and huge mess-ups. Learning the road of recovery and deciding to start healing.
Guess it was a year of learning to say "It's OK" and now it's time to understand it.