Sunday, January 24, 2016

Dating, getting into a relationship and saying "Yes"

    I started dating myself in the end of 2014. And like dating is, it has its ups and downs. You go out with yourself and you actually, most of the times, find you are not right for you. Guess what, this is the worst thing to find out - you sometimes don't want to spend time with yourself. Sometimes you annoy yourself with foolish acts of doubt or anger. Sometimes you understand that you, yourself, are not the kind of person you want to be with.
    Dating is hard. Specially when you are trying to date yourself while you are dating others. I do have to apologise for that... maybe it wasn't you who I couldn't be with. Most of the times it was myself. 
    The whole year I was on and off with myself, I broke up with so many people and places and vibes, and yes, often with myself also. And for what? Just because I thought it will make me want to date myself... Confusing, I know. When all the bridges were finally burnt I understood that in the end of the day I'm still going to sleep being - me. Doesn't matter who I'm with or not, I'm still in my own body and mind. I was hoping that if I erase all the distracting factors then I will find time and peace to date myself. Get to know myself. Be with myself. Understand myself. 
    As it turned out, dating yourself is even harder than dating others. You get to decide if you take the person on a journey with you, but with yourself... there's no yes, no, maybe, give me time, let's take it slow. You, yourself, have to go to bed every night with yourself and wake up with yourself, no exceptions. 

    It is, as you can see, not an easy road to walk. At one point of the road I decided to drop everything and also myself. Specially get rid of the the expectations I had on myself. I realised that the true me will come out if I don't push it. I was so done with dating and I was exhausted of the emotional swinging. 
    Just as I thought... the beginning of autumn I met myself. There it was, the instant connection, the one that dating just don't give me. Magical connection, when I want to look back twice, when I take a mental picture of every slow second and realise that I found... me. 
I slowed my pace and stood still. I wanted to crab myself by the hand and walk with myself. 

    So I made it official. I stepped into a relationship with myself in the autumn of 2015. (Yes, let's open up the heart shape candy boxes and have midnight dreaming sessions) 
   Of course, life doesn't make anything easy. It makes everything simple, but not easy. I got butterflies in my stomach when I realised what I want to do and who I am. It's the first stage of the relationship - living in a bubble with laughter and no self doubt. Yet, there is the word "but"...
But I soon realised that being in a relationship is harder than it used to be - I needed to find time for myself, make myself laugh, be supportive and honest. Be by my own side when things got rough and hesitations took over sleeping hours. I needed to remind myself that I'm here and I'm with me, doing every move to make this work. And so I did. 
    I turned this relationship into the best relationship I've ever had. Made some dreams come true, made friends with myself and with people I never thought I would. I opened up books I was keeping 'til the time was right and I had time, I spent my moments with love and wanders. I finally got to knew my exclusive skills, sides and patterns. I learned to be proud of myself, laugh meaningless things off and say out things I was holding in. 

    I made some adjustments to make myself even more happier in this relationship. It all have worked out good (not aiming for perfection). Of course, some moments can be more emotional than should be and some situations need a perspective, but we are learning. We? Me with myself. To myself. For myself. 
    I proposed to myself in December. And I said "Yes!" 

.   .   .   .

    Now, 2016, I will firmly announce that I will marry myself in this year. 2016 will be the year of self love and big celebrations. Marriage won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Living while being married to myself will be easier. If not easy. Because now I will know, that I... will always have my back. 

Dear readers, 
You are all invited to my wedding. 

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