In the middle of 1 and 27

Just remind yourself, honey,

that you are you

and you’re as free as you want to.

Just remind yourself

that you are sweet and sour,

both and nothing and nobody’s;

keep in mind 

that you are moving on your own,

moving with 

the air

when seasons are changing, 

never stopping.

Just remind yourself, honey,

that you are proud

of being

you. 

(And hold the ones who want to adjoin.) 

Find your love

Find where the pain sits,

where the struggle awaits, 

where you can pin-point the missing feelings,

where body meets the soul. 

Be still for a second and look for it,

no interruptions, no outside thoughts. 

Be quiet and connect with the body, 

deepen the conversation. 

Find where the pain sits

and where are you. 

Is the pain with you, outside of you or where does it belong. 

Find where the pain sits

and then start to let it go. 

Find where the love grows. 

Southern wind is showing a way back home

Southern wind is softening up the warm summer air. I'm sitting and waiting and trying to listen to what I'm feeling. But I gotta admit – I don't understand it at all. Maybe I'm not listening enough; or not talking; maybe I'm not feeling anything but the "wish to feel something" is too big to understand it. I owe it to myself to at least try to describe it.

In this evening I feel like the truth has set me free and at the same time it's kind of lonely up here, watching it all unraveling. I sure believe there are some latent feelings that I can't comprehend yet about the people around me and about the ones that I've distanced myself with. I don't want to question their intentions but somehow, I begin to doubt their aims. 

Every dawn is teaching me to trust the wait

and to be with myself first. I can't go around asking for answers. Sometimes the quietness answers them itself. 

Southern wind is softening me up towards myself. A small setback is a small setback. 

I am always finding a way back home. 

127 ways of falling

I fell in love
in a supermarket
and in my bed
after a few glasses of wine.
Fell in love after every lovely greeting card
and sent postcards.
I fell in love with laugher until
they weren't funny anymore.
I fell in and out quicker than you could imagine.
I fell in love with cowards

until I fell for you.

Foto: Marlene Kirt

Until I fell for me.
Actually.

127 small goddesses

In this moment

you realised 

that you are a small

goddess,

but soon - trust me - 

you will find out

that you are even

bigger

than you think.

Proud lover at 1:27am

You should be proud

of the human

you are becoming, 

of the woman 

you are now, 

and of the open-hearted

full-hearted

lover you were. 

You should be

but you tend to forget. 

Being proud

won't make you selfish;

it will set you free

from your 

doubts. 

Happens 127 times

Days seem so long. Weeks are even longer. Everything happens, quickly or slowly, but everything happens. And it's a lot.

I have no idea how the day ends, and no clue what's going to happen in the end of the week. Let's not talk about "what and where" I am after it all finishes. Let's just not. Simply because it will block the process of surprises and growing. It's not about being enlightened - it's simply about me, somehow wanting to be scared and somehow wanting just to see... what happens.
And what happens - happens.

Sailing the sea 1:27am

Kui ma vahel ei kuula,
siis tea,
et ma mõtlen sellele,
kuidas ma sooviks osata
sind kuulata rohkem. 


If I don't listen
then know,
that I'm thinking about
wishing to know how to
listen you more. 

127 ways to love urself

If I'd be you
I'd love
the heck out of myself.
Do that too.


Kui ma oleksin sina,
siis ma armastaksin
end tükkideks.
Tee ka seda.

water. kompa'18

Future holds me

Whatever future holds it will hold me, it will hold my peace, excitement and you. Future will bring even more joy, if that's possible; even more love, if that's possible and even more accomplishments, if that's possible. It will hold me in my arms and make me realise I have room for plenty more. 

Future holds me in a warm embrace and then opens its palms when it's ready to move. 

It's calm in here. The place where I lay burns so strongly but it will never burn me. It will just warm me up for the future. 

And all I do is laugh with it because it will always, always plant me in the most richful places. 

What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven't happened yet. 

Collecting thoughts

Collect the thoughts what cannot be said. Or they could be said but I promise you they won't be worth the shot. You don't know why they are on you mind and expressing them might hurt them. The thoughts, or yourself or someone else - and not because it's meant to hurt but just because those thoughts were a collection of confusion, outbursting ideas (which mostly are imported to your head from someone else) and no-sense.

Collect the thoughts that have been running in and out, screaming at your mind and soul and what you actually want. Realise that sometimes you just need your time, tea, paper and a pen... to collect the thoughts that are not worth of your time. And mind.

And then you can focus on the good thoughts. The best ones.

127 dreams about dew

Ta kammis oma
käega
läbi hommikuse
kaste.
Ning enam ei oodanud,
et lõuna tuleks.
Et päike viiks
päeva õhtusse.
Ta tahtis
vaikselt kammida.
Jääda.
Kõik oli olemas.


She combed her
hand
through morning
dew.
And didn't wish the
lunch time to come.
And didn't wish the
sun would take
day towards night.
She just wanted
quietly to comb.
Stay.
Because everything was
there.

She blossoms

She was everything I ever wanted. But I pushed her away by not believing she's here, by not believing she exists. Yet she does and she's here and she has been waiting so long for me to simply greet her and let her in.
Nourishing my wishes for the big ending dried up her skin, mind and feet. She begun to lose her words, lose her feet and lose her grace. I asked her what's wrong but never listened. She started losing it all even though she had it all. I guess she still has it, she's just too weak to take it all in. To realise where she is, who she is, what she has and what could she do.
Whatever she touches blossoms.
Hopefully it still does.

How do you say "sorry" to yourself?

Usalda ennast ja koputa

Kaua ikka seista ühe ukse taga ja oodata, et see avaneb? Oodata, et sealt võtab sind vastu just see rütm, milles su keha kaotab kontrolli; see muusika, millesse võid uppuda; ning need käed, mis on valmis soojaks tervituseks?

Me võime oodata ja oodata. Kuid ükski uks ei avane ilma koputuseta.
Me võime oodata ja loota, et see avaneb siis, kui sealt on keegi enda eesmärkidel nõus lahkuma.
Me võime loota ja hinge kinni hoida. Kuid me ei saa midagi uut enda ellu, kui käsitleme asju vanal viisil.

Ning siis on meil valik, mis võib hirmutada ja panna südame ärevusepiiril värisema. Me loeme kolmeni ja koputame. Mis on kõige hullem, mis juhtuda saab? Ei tulda uksele vastu? Või tänatakse koputuse eest ning sulgetakse see taas? Ja kas see ongi see "kõige hullem"?
See on vaid usaldamine, et järgmine samm on meie enda kätes.

Ajataju

Ma olen otsustanud seda aega kasutada. Põrgata kokku oma kohustustega, mitte lasta minema lahendamata probleeme ja täiendada ennast suurte tunnetega. Kui väljas on pärastlõunane hõng ning päike peegeldab kui hommikuvalgust, tuleb endale meeldetuletada, et on aeg, kus päike tõuseb ja loojub samal ajal. See on aeg, kus pilk peatub edasi sõitvas autos ja meelepildid jäävad tänu tähelepanule ning valmisolekule sisse hõljuma. See on nukker aeg, kus taipad kui kiiresti kõik edasi liigub, soovides seda peatada... ning samal ajal kaob sul ajataju. Unustad ajataju. Unustad end vaatama seda pärastlõunast valgust, mis teeskleb olla päeva algus. Meelest läheb ära, mis tektites enne  hirmu aja ees; miks kõik tundus nii lahendamatu ja ajendas tunnet, et isegi ühestki katki rebitud praost ei tule enam valgust läbi. Saan vaid lubada, et kasutada aega pilgu seisma jätmiseks ning taasavastamiseks on aja täisväärtuslik kasutamine.
Otsustame, et vahel peab meie aega kasutama meeldetuletamiseks. Ka kõige elementaarsemate tunnete, kohtade leidmiseks. Kõige elementaarsema enda valgustamiseks.

Voltage drop at 1:27

Maybe it’s not
my time
to be drowned.
Maybe I
just need
deep cleansing. 


Võib-olla ei ole
minu aeg
uppuda.
Võib-olla ma
lihtsalt vajan
sügavpuhastust. 

Remember it at 1:27

Her beauty
is never going to make you
less beautiful.
His beauty
is never going to make you
less worthy of it. 


Tema ilu
ei tee sind mitte kunagi
vähem ilusamaks.
Tema ilu
ei tee sind mitte ealeski
vähem väärtuslikumaks. 

1:27

Ma sulgesin
oma suu
ning kuulasin,
kuidas ta kirjeldab seda,
mida näeb.
Jah.
Ma vajusin ka.


I closed
my mouth
and listened,
how he describes
what he sees.
Yeah.
I fell in too.

Saada mulle luulet

või saada mind ära.

Vaigista oma keha, et saaksid vaigistada oma meele ja vaigistada tunded ja vaikselt siis vaigistada aja, et saaksid kuulata vaikselt oma pulssi, mis ütleb ära - väga lihtsalt ütleb ära - mis teeb sind õnnelikuks. Ära seda vaigista.
Lase sel kõlada enda sees, nii valjult, et vaigistab ta üleliigse - nii valjult, et vaigistab ta liigesed.
Ja saada ta välja. Õue. Teiste juurde. Teiste kõrvale. Teiste sisse. Sinna, mis tekitab vaigistamatut õnne, et need vaigistamatud kõhtu õõnsaks tegevad tunded saaksid leida endale kodu. 

Õpin

Vahel üksi istudes on ruumis veel keegi. Keda ma ei tunne. Kelle ma olen sisse lasknud. Kes on võõras ja räägib ainult seda, mis juhtub väljaspool. Ruumis on keegi, kelle koht ei ole siin, aga ometi leiab ta oma tee mu tuppa. Ta istub voodiserval, seisab köögis või hoiab kätt pulsil. Võib vaid hetkega võtta kogu situatsiooni üle ning muuta selle millekski, mida ei mina ega ka keegi teine ei osanud arvata. Vahel, tõesti vahel on ta väga aus. Kuid kui see hetk möödub, siis külvab ta mind ideedega, mis on võõrad mu keskusele. Ja ta loobib, loobib oma sõnu minu suunas, minu pihta ja kasutades mu keha. Unustab kohvi joomata, armastuse tähelepanuta ning sõrmed rusikasse.
Ma lasen ta sisse ja ta palub mul lahkuda.

Ma õpin keelduma.