Sunday, August 30, 2015

You don't always need a plan

Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. 

Always waiting for that perfect weather and the perfect human. Waiting for the perfect number on the scale and the perfect phone number to ring. Always waiting to make a move and being 100% sure what the answer would be (before even asking the questions). Waiting to go to sleep and weekends, even when it's a beautiful Tuesday morning.

Do the things that make your hands shake and break your comfort. Better an "oops" than a "what if."

Thursday, August 27, 2015


One day I'm going to look twice. If not even three times. I will be drowned when the first one happens. My mind will shut down and I will most probably stop breathing for a second or two. Or a lifetime. I'm going to glance a smile that I've always imagined to give. The "Hello!" The "You have a really good vibe with you and I wish I could know you." The "You deserve a good day because you look breathtaking." And ironically you will take my breath away. 
On that day I'm going to ride my bike for two seconds more. In those two seconds I will feel my heart grumble under pressure of "what now" and the pressure of "was that it?" Trust me, I will look again. Of course I will make sure I won't be hitting something with my bike, but I will take a second look. My only wish is to have a bit of your aura with my. Like a souvenir. The looking twice says it all. Is  t h a t  what Universe wants or not. Like on an unrealistic novel. I will be terrified of are you also looking back. If not, then I will survive. And I would carry you in my mind - how this all made my simple day sweeter. If yes, if you would also look twice, the time would stop... It's the magical moment of unknown, courageous heartbeats and wanting to know your name. Moment of wanting to stop and wanting this to be it. I wouldn't want to sabotage the beautiful moment that could become a beautiful memory.
And I will look away again. 

I will breathe deeper and my heart will start beating like it's not suppose to. 
And if I would take a third look. Then you should know I'm hooked. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

Leave room for magic

Push play. 

August owns this special kind of vibe. At least for the last 3-4 years it has been the same.
Connecting to yourself, to the ones you love and to laughter. Everything becomes clearer and more clean. Even if starting the new season is messy... you know you have the good vibes with you.
Enjoying your own company, figuring out what happens next and enjoying the present. Taking chances of seeing new places, being with the ones you love and putting yourself in comfortable yet growing environments. Learning something that you should have known for a long time and realising what you have now. Gazing the sky full of starts, chilling until our bodies get perfectly numb and flirting with life... or whoever comes next. August has been the month of getting it together and realising what your mind and body could do, what they want to do and what they long for.

August owns this special kind of vibe. Love vibe. By seeing your friends getting married, loving your spotify playlists, being with best friends, laughing and arguing with family. Love vibe. By riding bikes, doing acrobatics in old town parks, enjoying a good cup of coffee.
Love vibe.
Realising that you might be out of love. But yet so in with life.

Friday, August 7, 2015

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I can't stick to the things that make me happy. And healthy. In any ways. 
I'm sorry that I've wasted my time. 
I'm sorry that I haven't spent more time with the ones I love. And like. 
I'm sorry that I make some people more important than myself. 
I'm sorry that I didn't walk, because I thought I was going to miss him out. 
I'm sorry that I rather keep those relationships superficial. And I won't even give them a chance. 
I'm sorry that I let them define me. 
I'm sorry that I've let myself down. 
I'm sorry that I still let them in my lives, even if I told myself not to.
I'm sorry that I didn't take the trash out. 
I'm sorry that I said "I love meat" in front of vegans who never said they "hate meat" or "only eat freaking vegetables." And look where I'm turning now.
I'm sorry that I left before things got interesting. 
I'm sorry that I rather spend time with myself than with those who are just wanting to meet so they could moan about life. 
I'm sorry that I was so scared that I had to do it online. 
I'm sorry that I didn't try enough.
Or that I'm not enough. 

Apologising to myself. Learning to.

But I'm not sorry that I've danced till 4am and wandered down-town till 8am. Until drunkenness turned into soberness.
Not sorry that I've made mistakes. The horrible and also the cool ones. Because now I know how to be even better.
And dance even better.
And maybe be "just enough."

Sometimes wrong choices bring us to the right places. So we could dance till we have to go to work. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015


My mother asked me: "Why not? What the heck stopped you two?"
And I said: "I don't know."
And then I realised I haven't risked at all. Even though he would have been worth it.

Our "almost" will always haunt me. 

I've always had this picture in my head of myself, how I do stuff; how I make things happen. How I seize the opportunities and run with them. Living fully. High on life. And it is so. Really. Most of the times.
But then the few exemptions happen.
Somehow I keep pushing away things that really mattered to me. Things that make my heart sincerely tickle and vulnerable. I feel stupid of wanting them. I feel childish. I feel so many obstacles that it seems better to die at home than die trying. I feel I'm not worth it and maybe somebody else deserves it more.
Call it cowardly or kindness.
I call it absurdity.

Is he my paragraph, chapter... or a title?
If I can't talk about it. Then I will dance about it. Real soon.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Heart in a different continent

My mom told me that you should never waste someone's time. And yours of course too.
Because time is the gift you can't gain from working hard, studying hard, partying hard, loving even harder.

I guess time teaches you how important it is to look at your past with gratefulness. With open heart and eyes. With open mind and body. It shows you what you can do and what have you missed while doing the opposite of what you want. Time might scare you. You might feel the present now is too short and the future now is too unstable. You can't stop it as long as you want to breathe. Time will come. For the bad things and the good adventures.
There are time for heartbreaks and time for feeling so in love that your heart wants to fly out of your chest. Time for wrong words and right timings - vice versa. Time for forgiving yourself and accepting your choices. Time for connecting again with the ones that left you breathless and time for sending them on their paths.
What a wonderful feeling it is to feel so rich. Full of uncountable seconds, bygone feelings and unknown wanders.

He is the reason why I trust time.
And why I need to trust myself a bit more.

// person-through-my-eyes

When thinking about life, remember this: no amount of quilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.