Friday, July 31, 2015

Midnight thoughts

How did I end up here?

Doing what I said I'd never do, making myself second if not even last, letting people run me over, having either lack of passion or too much of it. Not doing things I really want to do. Finding myself in wrong crowds.
I'm not just manipulating my present with this... I'm running myself off the cliff for my future as well.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Refreshing Tuesday

My mom said there will be days like this.

Days when shower-time is longer than usual and daydreaming is on the highest level. After yoga session I will lie on the floor the next 30 minutes, not even for meditating, but for just being. Days when I would gladly avoid everyone who is too intense, enthusiastic or dramatic. When outside it might be a chill summer day but my own room feels more safe... and safe is all I need. Days when George Ezra becomes my best friend, calming my mind and comforting my heart. All the past "what if-s" are haunting me and they make me think what could have been different. All the bridges I have burned and all the bridges I'm building up again. Mornings turn suddenly into afternoons and afternoons turn into sleep. Thinking turns into talking and talking turns into calm realisation. The answers I've been looking for will just simply arrive to me, everything makes sense and I'm breathing the same pace with life again.
Days when old friends turn new again. Days when I still hope bandages would heal deep wounds. Days where love is far away. Physically.
Days when love is close. Mentally.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Body art

The older I get the more people start to ask me about tattoo. When and Why are probably the most common questions that you can come up with. The next are "Was it painful?" and "What did your mother say?" My favourite one of all is: "Why the heck you needed it needled onto you skin? Couldn't you just leave it?"

I guess a tattoo is forever your best friend. Even when you forgot it's there... it's always there. It has its stories, memories and moments. It's strongly inked onto your skin. It doesn't matter if you met the perfect "match" 3 years before it got inked or you did it by spontaneous urge. It's there.
Same thing is with the friends you make. You could hit it off with a brief second of laughter or similar music taste. But it can also take time.
I took my time. I got used to the idea. I got used to the fact that I'd like it on my wrist. I got used to the fact that I need it on my skin. I grew so deeply in love with it that it was the first thing on my mind in the mornings.

Body art might be something just for fun... or it could show your taste in art, love and thoughts. It might be something to remind you to keep rocking or just something to remind you what home means. Good memories. Stupid adventures. Laughter and tears. Part of you.

Some people are inked onto your skin. Notice them. Thank them. Take care of them.
She is forever inked. If not skin, then heart.
Forever blessed.

// person-through-my-eyes

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Indie-movie with sunshine fields feat. Denmark

PRESS PLAY BEFORE READING *insert happy face* 

I don't care what they say about "life is not a movie." Life is exactly like a movie or your favourite TV-series. But you have to choose it to be.
Life is like "How I Met Your Mother." One day you will realise that you have that close group of friends. They don't have to be friends with each other. But they all have weird characters, wild adventures and love which makes them your family. Life is like the romantic indie movie that you saw when you were all alone, crawled up in bed with Yogi tea and tumblr opened at the same time. Do you ever realise that they had those exact moments also in those movies? That all the characters are sometimes alone and think what to do next? That all the romantic, funny, sad and exciting things could happen to you too?
And don't even expect less. Live every second. Someone might be recording - and it's your brain. Heart. Soul.

Go ahead, take your bike and see that sunset you have dreamed of. I did that. Go without your friends, Instagram or Snapchat. Leave it all to yourself. You don't have to show off, you don't have to tell others where're you at. Just be there, take a second and take a mental picture.

I finally had a Denmark feeling again. Standing there. Watching the sunset. The flat yet adorable mountains around me. The feeling of feeling placed. Like I felt there when I took walks near the fields; when I looked at their hopeful, playful and happy faces; when they enjoyed singing together even more than estonians. The feeling of feeling right, two feet on the ground but head in the clouds. The feeling of "you are enough and life's a darling little adventure."
And yes, everything wasn't and is not pretty... but I always had the knowing that the sun will come out after the rain (at least at some point) and hygge will took place in the evening when everything is in the dark.
Denmark makes you feel like you're safe; makes you understand that it needs some time to blend it but it will be worth it... all the time before the tragic end it felt like home.
I guess I will always do.

And now I stand here and understand that we need to build some bridges up again. Call a friend, get connected to yourself again or visit your favourite country... Even if you have made some bad mistakes in the past. Even if the people that mean a lot wouldn't expect to hear those words from you... even if they maybe have forgotten you. Say it. Say you miss them and you're sorry. Say that they changed your life in a weird, small but significant way. Thank them.
Don't let your cold head take over your warm heart. I've made that mistake. You'll be better.

Be better in the present. The past you is now... well left in the past!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

I keep falling over

I keep falling over and apart. 

Positivus 2015. Every year it leaves me with broken thoughts. But at the same time with a feeling of being somehow completed. It leaves me with messed up sleeping schedule but at the same time with the most relaxed mind. It leaves me with the "what now" but feeds me with life at the same time. 

I know I have matured. It was the moment when I understood and realised that every situation doesn't need a reaction. Sometimes I just have to leave people to continue to do the lame shit that they do. One day they will realise... that they either messed up; couldn't see what was in front of them or let their pride take over their heart. The time will come. But I will be there - 'cause giving up on people is lame, ignoring is for reckless ones and not making your life better is too easy. 

But loving them goes never out of style. 
And in that moment I knew... I'm getting older. And probably falling in love. 
(with life)

Will there be something left of me tomorrow?

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Mis ta nimi on?

Ma ei tea tema nime.  

Lemmiktegevused on hilised avastused. See, kuidas ta hommikuti paneb esimesena maha parema jala, et ebaõnne vältida. Viisid, mida ta kasutab inspiratisooni tekkeks inspireerivad omakorda mind. Lõunad, mis koosnevad ideedest, projektidest, lobas ja headest tuttavatest on igapäevane komme. Teretada vaid koos peanoogutusega ja hüvastijätuks jagada kõigile puudutusi. Ma ei tea neid lõhnasid, mis uimastavad ta meeli. Samuti neid sõnu, mis uimastavad ta südame. Tundmatud on ta hommikurutiinid, milles ta on veendunud, et tal puuduvad need. Uskumused, mida on voolinud ta vanemad. Laulud, mis on kirjutatud punastavatest põskedest ning varjatud esimese armastuse eest. Tema ideaalsed suvepäevad maal ja soojasse kampsunisse mässitud keha külmal vanalinna pärastlõunal. Variandid, kuidas öelda "head ööd." Inimesed, kellele ta on saanud öelda "head ööd." Ma ei tea toite, mis kunagi ta kõhtu ei paita ning kas eelistab kohvi või teed. Kas teeb talle nalja elu üle juurdlemine või elab ta vaid analüüsitud pettekujutlemaga. Või elab ja hingab ta hoopis vaid elektroonikaga. 

Ma ei ole kindel ta silmade värvis ega ka pintsakus, mis ta enesekindlust tõstab. Tema vanemaid ei tunneks tänaval ära ning ei saaks aru, kumma moodi on ta rohkem. 
Ma ei tea tema ootusi. Samuti ka enda omasid mitte, sest mul puuduvad need teadamatuse tõttu. 
Küll aga tean tundeid, mida tekitavad telefonihelina kõlad, hingamissagedus ja närviliselt värisev jalg. Tundeid, kui kõik head ja vead teevad kokku hoopis õnneliku avastuse. Kui kõik naljad on naljakamad, kui nad tegelikult on. Tunded, mis tekitavad aja peatumisest, silma vaatamisest. Ja need, mis tekivad murest, kui aega on liiga vähe. 

Ma hoolitseksin kodu ja tema hoolitseks une eest, ma õnne ja ta õnnelikkuse eest. Hoolitseks naeru ja tema aga toetuse eest ning koos hoolitseksime teineteise südamete eest. 
Ma hoolitseksin tantsu ja tema muusika eest, mina sihtpunktide ning tema teekonna eest. Hoolitseksin ka vahel vaikuse eest ja tema autosõidujutu eest. Hoolt kannaksime ka nõrgemate eest. 
Ja kõike vastupidi. 
Mina enda ja tema enda eest. Samal ajal ka teineteise eest. 

Ma ei tea tema nime. Ja isegi mitte ta nägu. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Me oleme taimed

Mis ühele imeilus viljapõld, kus suviti autoga mööda sõita ning peatuda unistusteks... see teisele töö ja perele leiva tooja. 

Me oleme taimed.
Ja ainus imeline selgitus, mis ma selle all mõtlen on see, et meie sarnasused ja erinevused teineteisega on hämmastavad. Ja hämmastavalt ilusad.

Kujuta ette kahte lille samast sordist. Võtame näiteks roosid. Seemnest tärkavad lilled. Enne seda otsustab ema, kuhu need kasvama panna. Üks ostab poest ja poetab koju potti. Armsasse vanalinna korterisse, mille hõng paneb taime vaikselt tärkama. Teine ostab poest ja poetab kodus aeda. Armsasse Lõuna-Eesti kirsipuudega maja taha, kus tal on ruumi kujutlusvõimeks, et kasvada suureks. Üks ja see sama sort. Võib-olla ka sama värvusega. Aga täiesti teine valmimine.
Me ei saa võrrelda sama sordi kasvamist ja arenemist; panna neid võistlema, kumb on parem ja halvem. Neil on olnud teised teekonnad. Teised võimalused. Teine muld ja "ema." Ning samuti nad ka kasvavad teistsuguseks.

Kujuta ette kahte lille samast sordist. Võtame näiteks tulbid. Tulbisibulast tärkavad ühel vanaema pannkoogihommikused kollased õied. Või ärkavad teisel tulbisibulast erkroosad päikeseloojangu toonidega nupud. Kuidas teha selgeks ühele neist, et tema ilu on sama, mis teisel. Kuidas teha selgeks, et teiste ilu võib imetleda ka enda omas kahtlemata. Kuidas teha selgeks, et on keegi, kellele meeldivad tulbid... ning kirsiks tordil veel täpselt tema tooni.

Kujuta ette metsikut aeda koos põõsaste, puude, lillepeenarde ning umbrohuga. Milliste erinevustega on nemad koos elanud. Keda õpivad nad tundma ja nägema. Kellega nad harjuvad üleüldse elama. Ja siis kujuta ette neid maitsetaimi su köögi aknalaual, kelle ainukesteks sõpradeks on naaber münt ning naabri-naaber meliss. Ta on kasvanud nendega üles. Nii peabki tema meelest maailm veerema ja arenema. Ta ei olegi harjunud lopsakate õunapuudega, mille all lapsed suviti pentangi mängivad. Ta on harjunud unistama ja valima enda ümber naabreid hoolikalt.

Kujuta ette kahte potilille: kaktust ja jõulutähte. Mõlemad on sul kodus truud kaaslased. Üks vajab vett vähe, seisab tihti üksi ja okkaliselt. Teine tärkab ja saab su kodust osa enne jõule, kui puhkeb ta õitsele ja kaunistab periooditi su elutoa lauda. Kas sa saad neid võrrelda? Mille alusel? Maitse? Meeldivuse? Kuid see ei ole ju päris õiglane võrdlus... See on puhas huvide eripära.

Me oleme taimed.
Vaatamata oma sarnasustele oleme nii erinevad. Vaatamata erinevustele oleme nii sarnased. Lõpeta oma teekonna võrdlemine teisega, kellel ei ole sinuga sama nimi. Ära tõuka eemale neid, kes paistavad võõrana - sest samuti paistad sina ka neile.
Näe enda ja elu ilu nii nagu imetled oma lemmiklilli; kirsipuid, mis poetavad sulle magustoitu ning salapäraseid troopikataimi, kelle kauge päritolu tundub nii eksootilisena.
Ei ole vaja enam ette kujutada. On aeg seda kõike näha.

Mis ühe jaoks on umbrohi, on teise jaoks võilillepärg, mis kaunistab tuule käes juukseid.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Ready to give up my time

I'm ready to dive deeper than the surface. I'm ready to care.

Ready for having the hopelessly romantic songs stuck in my head and the laughter that is a bit more higher than usual. Spending whole day in bed and having still the time of my life. Feeling of not wanting to be alone. Pushing responsibilities and sleep further. Not caring about date, time or the weather. Forgetting the fishes in the sea. Ignoring the "wanna-be"s and focusing on the one's eyes only. Having so many activities to do, so many stories to tell and so many touches to give and receive.

Ready for someone who will break my routine.
And it will be worth it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015


Ma alustasin aastat, et olla aus.
Mitte, et mina ja inimesed mu ümber oleksid niivõrd valelikud. Vaid aus mõistes, et ma olen aus iseendaga - mida ma tunnen, soovin, mõtlen ja vajan. Mitte, mida ma tahan ning veel hullem "tahaksin." Kõik algas väga lihtsalt. Ma ütlesin, mida mõtlesin; põletasin sellega palju sildu, sõitsin välja mitmest sadamast ja soovisin esmalt teha enda sees kõik korda, et saaksin taas jagada energiat teistele. Puhastada ennast ja korrastada oma mõtted, õppida tõeliselt tundma, kes ma olen.

Ma täitsin väiksena ka ise oma sõbraraamatut (kõlab naljakalt, aga ma tahaks teada inimest, kes seda ei teinud või kellele see ei meeldinud), sest oli tore mõelda, kes ma olen ja mis mulle meeldib. Mis film on tõesti mu lemmik ja mis loom iseloomustaks mind. Mis mulle meeldis eelmine aasta ja milliseks inimeseks olen ma kasvanud nüüd. Miks? Me oleme unustanud iseenda. Sest nüüd üha enam me kipume mõtlema välismaailmale - mis toimub mujal, kuidas on meie kallimatel. Keskendume sellega probleemidele, mis saavad alguse kaugelt. Ei, meie ei olegi otseselt süüdi ebameeldivates asjades, mis võivad juhtuda meist 4000 km kaugusel. Küll aga on süüdi inimesed. Ning et takistada halba ei tohi tuld tulega kustutada. Peale on vaja lasta voolata natukene vett, et tuli kustuks ning uus saaks jõudu taas kasvada. Seega iseenda tutvustamine endale viib esmalt meid balanssi hinges. Üks inimene on juba muutus. Mitte loota kellelegi peale
seitsme maa ja mere taga, et tema saaks sellest elust aru nii nagu meie. Kas meie ise saame? Kõige pealt mina ja siis aitan maailma.

Ehk mõtlen esmalt iseendale - mis on minu eesmärk iseendaga ning siis maailmaga. Kui me kõik keskenduks iseenda headusele ning loobiks seda ringi nii nagu me loobime halbu kommentaare... siis oleks nii mõnedki asjad teisiti.
Istume maha ja mõtleme, mis on meie nimi, miks, kellega me jagame perekonda, mis muusika teeb meid õnnelikuks ja milline toit kasvatab keha. Paneme voolama endas ausa vee, mis ei vii meid silmakeerutusteni ja eelarvamuseni. Mõtleme enne kui ütleme... aga ärme jäta sellepärast asju ütlemata. Ole aus - ole haavatav - ole inimene. Mida rohkem aus oled sa endaga, seda lihtsam. Raske on neil, kellega sa oled aus ja kes ei suuda endaga ausad olla. Nad ei oska reageerida. Nad ei näe kõrgemalt probleeme - ainult upuvad nende sees. Anna neile aega ja võimalust.

Kõik võtab aega. Kui kõik on paigas, siis miski lööb selle ikka rütmist välja. Aga elu sääne ongi. Tuleb aksepteerida kahetsusi, teha parimat nüüd ja praegu ning kindlasti mitte muretseda tuleviku pärast, mis reaalselt ei ole meile ette kirjutatud.

See ei ole survestamine agressiivsele optimismile; see on endas rahu leidmine ning nautimine -
kuidas headus ei levi mitte nagu kulutuli... vaid levib nagu armastus.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Life got in the way

I was waiting for the "right moments" and convincing myself that I'm with the "right person." I looked for something that was "right" for the eye even though I were the one who was always appreciating the things that are not viable for the eyes. I got caught up by the "right things to say," the "right grades to get" and the "right breaks to take." I was doing all the "right moves" to be me - inside and out; doing the "right calls" to get to the places I wanted to be. I only showed the "right emotions" suitable for the situation.

Luckily one day I took my head out of the "right sandbox" and realised that I have lived somehow the wrong way. The left way. The unnecessary way. The "not-actually-me" way. I can't even find the "right" words to describe it. I guess... the not-suitable-way & not-seeing-any-improvement-way.
I was so dedicated myself to the "right things" that I lost the meaning of doing those things.

So this is why honest-Kaisa-2015 (#auskaisa2015) became brutal to use. Not just to say things out to people who hurt you or who you love - but also show yourself that being honest is like being fearless (which is not the absence of having fears - it's the meaning of fighting against them). So becoming honest wasn't my objective because I was the criminal kid who always lied her way into good or bad. It meant understanding the present.
What hurts you, what makes you laugh, what you want to say but are too scared to say, what you think you have and what you would like to have. Honestly sincere, honestly sad, honestly making decisions that are 100% based on your own good and health. And also honestly caring and trying to make things better for others. Having compassion and passion towards family, friends, strangers, life, laughter and tears. Being honestly fearless.

In my world it's just me against the world. No, not against. Me with the world.
And it's the same for everybody. Born with a Final Cut Pro... making our own movies. In our heads and with our hands.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Time, me and the sea

Traveling is about sun kissed skin, cute eye contact and not knowing what happens next. 
Losing time in the same continent. 

I finally lost myself in time, me and the sea.
I breathe in the salty air, the warm summer breeze and words which I don't understand. I manage to get nothing done but that's the whole plan. To do nothing and at the same time explore everything. Or at least let the wind blow my boat to one way and then the other. Let the waves shake me until I find my center and language again. I feel the sand crumble between my fingertips and skin. It's the sound of feeling alive and enjoying the sleep; walking as far as I can and sitting every time when possible; it's the sound of thinking and releasing.
Then I understood that I lost myself in me... with time, responsibilities and people.
I found myself in the sea.
Doing nothing but being everything.

I don't trust people who won't give a chance to discover mountains, enjoy beach hair or find peace in summery Europe.