Monday, November 30, 2015

Chase whatever feels good

Whether it ends good or bad, it was an experience. 

It's important to give it all you have while you have the chance. 
Talent without work is nothing. Work without passion is nothing. Passion without life is nothing. 


Nobody tells you how it's going to work out, if it's going to work out and whether it's going be now or tomorrow or the next year. As long as you work with your passions and soul you are on the right track. When you feel like home then make the place as beautiful as you are. Sometimes you need to lock yourself in your room and dance or paint or sing your lungs out just to get some clarity. Work on what makes you happy and what feeds you more than food will ever do. Please do not care about how others are doing things... or do care but don't compare - it will kill your creativity, will put your soul into a cage and you will start hesitating your journey... But you can't compare a rabbit's and a turtle's speed - they are different as day and night and so are people. 

We are getting every year more and more caught up in our heads - education is important but it's more important to know why are you learning, what are you learning and what you can do with it or after it. We know so much but forgot so fast, we get so much but we don't last. So much education yet nobody has thought us how to love ourselves, how to live with your own passion and wilderness and why it's so important to love, overall. 

It's totally fine to take risks, it's totally fine to fail but it's not OK to give up because of "reasons." Reasons you say to yourself, reasons that other are barking about. As long as you enjoy waking up, smiling and life... you're doing an amazing job. It doesn't mean that every day is the high point of your life but it means that every day you know that you have the inner peace with you. 
Don't lose that. Don't lose your inner child. 


When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars. 
When the morning arrives, get up and work for the stars. And not for the commercial stars... but with your own thing. Dance, do math, get physically moving, enjoy scrabble, read, get your hands dirty in your yard, start a family with love... whatever means "stars" to you - is OK. It's your stars... not anybody else's. 
People are getting caught up between living and "finding your passion." But your life shouldn't be the stress about "your passion" and even worse "always looking for it"... do what ever suits you, what ever rows your boat. Even if you have to do the job you hate but you get the money you need to travel - do it. If traveling feeds you, then do it. Do whatever   y o u   need. 
Stars without passion is nothing. Passion without life is nothing. Life without living is nothing. 

Don't go back to less... just because you're impatient. 
Share the love you love. Look for inspiration but still, please, darling, go for it... do your thing. 


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The beauty of Wednesday

My heart is going to gave in
to all the beauty and magic
to all the sorrow and lost
and it's just the beginning. 


I have no words.
No words to describe the luck, the mystery and the bliss. The dots have been connected and I've returned to where I belong. My head found a bridge to my heart and my heart found a highway to my body. It's the bubble of presence - breathing in the music, swallowing the laughter and touching everything that is full of love. Or what needs love.
To make broken so beautiful is a remarkable talent. To walk with flowers on shoulders, melodies in lungs and Universe by hand. To be careful with falling but still admiring the existence of love. To make the days count, not to count the days.

To make broken so beautiful... is a remarkable talent when you decide to fix the broken with beauty.
And a whole lot of laughter and joy.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Kodu jaoks mul aega on

Ta teretas mind ja ma hakkasin kartma.
Mulle tundus, et ma olen jõudnud koju. Kuid mul ei ole võtmeid. Ma ei vaevunud neid kordagi otsimast koti põhjast või kuulutama neid kadunuks. Lubasin endale, et kui mulle ühel päeval see võtmekimp antakse, siis on see aususe ja siirusega. Eelkõige usaldusega. Eelkõige kodu armastusega. 

Mind saatis pilk, millele ma ei osanud vastata kuna arvasin, et kodu ei märka. Olin veendunud, et mina pean ju kodu leidma, seda otsima ja selle tuvastama. Ma ei arvanud, et asjad äkki võivad käia ka teistpidi. Avastasin, kui palju mulle jääb märkamatuks kuna olen harjunud asju nägema vaid enda moodi. Olen harjunud mingite mustritega, mis ei vii mind tegelikult kordagi ukseni. 

Ainus, mida jõudsin mõelda, kui tema olemasolu teadvustasin oli... aga äkki on see kodu liiga hea minu jaoks? 
Esmakordne tunne. Mustri puudus. Õhk oli kentsakalt pehme. Kõik oli rütmist väljas. Ja samas nii rütmis.
Liiga hea? Õige. 
Iseenesel peabki kasvuruumi olema. 
Ja see hirmutab... sest vahel ma tunnen end kui kodus. 



Soovisin lõpetada taas need kodu mõtted sellega, kuidas "Äkki see ei ole minu kodu. Ei ole hullu."
Kuid äkki see on.
Äkki nõuabki kodu aega. Head aega. Vaikset aega. Tasapisi kõndimist. Tasapisi kolimist.

Kui mul midagi ei ole... siis aega mul on.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Paragraph I - What I've done?

Or I will do?

*push play* 



I get this fear based reaction of "Aren't you afraid that it won't work out?" Following by: "Aren't you afraid that this is the wrong move? What are you thinking? What about future? Aren't you just AFRAID?"

Short answer is "Yes..." Followed by: "But what if it works?" and "What if it doesn't and I'm still glad that I took the ride?"
There are so many things in life that we should be afraid of... For example driving and drinking; driving and texting... or nowadays even walking and texting. Or bears? Or illness? Or lost of a family member? Lost of your own life?
There are so... SO many things where and when it's OK to be afraid... but not in your everyday, present, full of wonders, life. It's not acceptable to be afraid of what we want, and who we are, and our creation, and mind, and body. And so on. And so on.

My last answer to all of this is: "It's not about giving up. It's about putting yourself first and making decisions of which will help you to take steps on the road of... you."
You know... we always turn the car around when we are driving to the wrong direction. Aren't we?
So why is it so scary to do that in life?

Why are we afraid of ourselves?
Or the non-existent future?

Monday, November 9, 2015

"Don't fall in love in the moment..."

"... and think you are in love with the girl." 

He sat there, eyes locked to mine and we both knew what we were thinking. And in that brief moment everything came back to me. Every familiar move, conversation and comfortable vibe, every answered and missed phone call and every laughter. Or fight. Or anger.

"What if." My mind told - well actually screamed at me - thousands ideas in only few seconds. The air was so delicate and full of memories, maybe even some unfinished business and dishonesty. I wanted to burst out every little thought of mine - what he did, what I did, what is going on in my life and how apologising is not the answer. My head whispered to me that maybe... maybe this is faith... but suddenly everything got quiet. I doubted. My gut and heart took over my head and emotions... They were pretty sure that it's actually a moment of "goodbye" and finally letting go of the past.

I left and I was suddenly so caught up by the "what if-s." I was slowing down my pace, thinking if I should run back and give the moment one more look. Chance. Time.
But I didn't.
I guess this means I have grown.
And I will be ready if the right one is there in front of me, eyes locked to mine and then there's no time for "what if-s".


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Haav paraneb vaid siis kui seda ei puuduta

See suveõhtu, kui ma õppisin kiirelt jalgrattaga sõitma, kukkusin ma ka sama kiirelt. Ja valu või ehmatus, mis suvises Tõraveres mu meeltesse lõi on ikka veel mul mälestustes.
Katkisele põlvele pandi peale plaaster, mis sai sealt maha kistud juba järgneva kolme päeva jooksul. Kas ma lasksin sellel haaval iseseisvalt paraneda ilma seda puutumata? Ei lasknud. Sellest ka arm ja mälestus igavesti mu nahal, kuid mis tänu paranamisele on võtnud armsa minevikupildi.

Ja nii ongi.
Esmalt ma võin poetada pisara või tantsida ennast tühjaks. Järgnevalt liikuda edasi ja pühkida kõik, mis teele ette jääb või ette jäi. Nüüd, hiljem, saada aru, kui väga on vaja leppida hetkelise valuga ning lasta endal oma soodu paraneda.
Valikuid on kaks. Kui mitte rohkem. Vähemalt ei tule mul ühtegi muud pähe.

Ma võin haava paranemise korral kiskuda pealt kooriku (sõna, mis mulle ei meeldi) ning alustada taas ootamist, millal see lõplikult paraneb. Selle käigus tunnen ma taas pisut valu, aga ka naudingut, kui hea on vanades sahtlites sobrada. Ma teen endale korduvalt haiget mõeldes: "Aga nüüd?" Kas nüüd paraneb? Kas nüüd ma olen valmis edasi liikuma? Kas nüüd on õige aeg edasi liikuda? Kas ma üldse tahan, tegelikult, edasi liikuda?
Ja siis ma kisun. Ja näpin. Ja nokin. Ja vaatan, kuidas ma tekitan endale kipitust ja möödunu olevikku toomist. Ise teadmata, kas ma üldse tahan tagasi või kas see on seda väärt. Ise teadmata, kui kergelt võib kõik paraneda, kui jätaksin oma haava aja hoolde.

Aga... Ma võin marrastuse saades seda vaadata ja teadvustada, et see on olemas. Mu kehal. Halval juhul ka hinges. Halvimal juhul südames. Ma mõistan ta olemasolu ning ebameeldivust, mida võib valu ja ravi ning eelkõige ootamine tekitada. Aga ma aksepteerin, et ta on nüüd mu küljes... või kehas või sees. Ma võtan vastu teadmise, kui palju haiget see võib teha või kui palju haiget võib ehmatus tekitada. Lepin sellega, mõistan põhjuseid, miks see tuli ning olen kannatlikult valmis ootama, et ta saaks parimal viisil endiseks. Märkan iga päevaga, kuidas ta kaob, terveneb ja millise kuju võtab ta lõppfaasis.
Ja haav paraneb oma soodu. Mu nahale jääb vaid arm, mis märgistab möödunud õnne, armastust ja proovimist. Arm kaunistab mu mälestusi, naerdud naere, spontaanseid päikesetõuse ja kirjutatud tuviposti.
Kuid mis peamine... ta ei tee enam valu. Mitte vähematki. Ja see on nõudnud aega, lõpmatuid tantsusamme ja muusikat. Mõnel korral magamata öid ja tühipaljast juttu.
Kuid ta ei tee enam midagi. Ta lihtsalt on.
On.
Mälestamas midagi head ja meeldetuletamas...
kuidas peab taas õppima jalgrattaga sõitma.


Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Your dreams are incredibly loud

*push play* 


I don't take my luck for granted. I don't know if I move them or not. I don't have the power of changing them or even making them think. All I can do is let the magic happen by doing what I feel is important, by listening and by being gentle with their souls.
I need to move myself first in the need of moving them. And when it comes to dancing...

Then of course I do it for me. To get out the shiver, to share the emotion and maybe a piece of my present.
But mainly for you. To maybe make you understand a bit that you are not on your own with the hesitations, insecurities and love. That I will try to lift you up by showing how to fly or I'll try to lift you up by going on the ground and taking the steps with you.
I move for everybody. Everybody who can see the other side of the picture.

Darling, it's about the decision. We always share our best bits online... but we never share the emotion. Have no worries, being heart broken, sad, disappointed and out of sync is totally OK, as far as you are willing to search the resolution and heal.


I know I have lost some great battles but I also know that now the progress begins. The last dots will be connected soon and I will be one. Whole. Complete.
Not to spoil the ending for you... but everything is going to be alright.