I was waiting for the "right moments" and convincing myself that I'm with the "right person." I looked for something that was "right" for the eye even though I were the one who was always appreciating the things that are not viable for the eyes. I got caught up by the "right things to say," the "right grades to get" and the "right breaks to take." I was doing all the "right moves" to be me - inside and out; doing the "right calls" to get to the places I wanted to be. I only showed the "right emotions" suitable for the situation.
Luckily one day I took my head out of the "right sandbox" and realised that I have lived somehow the wrong way. The left way. The unnecessary way. The "not-actually-me" way. I can't even find the "right" words to describe it. I guess... the not-suitable-way & not-seeing-any-improvement-way.
I was so dedicated myself to the "right things" that I lost the meaning of doing those things.
So this is why honest-Kaisa-2015 (#auskaisa2015) became brutal to use. Not just to say things out to people who hurt you or who you love - but also show yourself that being honest is like being fearless (which is not the absence of having fears - it's the meaning of fighting against them). So becoming honest wasn't my objective because I was the criminal kid who always lied her way into good or bad. It meant understanding the present.
What hurts you, what makes you laugh, what you want to say but are too scared to say, what you think you have and what you would like to have. Honestly sincere, honestly sad, honestly making decisions that are 100% based on your own good and health. And also honestly caring and trying to make things better for others. Having compassion and passion towards family, friends, strangers, life, laughter and tears. Being honestly fearless.
In my world it's just me against the world. No, not against. Me with the world.
And it's the same for everybody. Born with a Final Cut Pro... making our own movies. In our heads and with our hands.