Your eyes lighted up every time you talked something that you truly cared about. Your words and voice were full of passion and compassion; full of courage and love. You opened up so quickly, even when I didn't know who you were.
I started dancing again because although you didn't know much about it, you enjoyed it. You tried to express your emotions, after you saw it. Even if you failed. Even if it turned out wrong. You tried to express yourself to me. You didn't need my approval. You wanted it. You made it pretty clear.
I started dancing again because you showed me there is no need not to. It's wrong to give up just because the last places didn't turn out right. It's wrong to give up just because I couldn't handle my balance in life. You showed me how fun it could be. How I could just enjoy it. And if I'm ready, then show a bit of emotions with it.
I started dancing again because you started existing in my life.
I don't dance. I will not. And I don't want to. And I seriously can't.
I rather write. Yes, I write. I write to forgive myself.
I teach myself how to express and let go while using my words. I learn day by day how to forgive myself of choosing what is best for me. My writing made me realise that at the moment the only thing what is best for me is not dancing. I'm doing everything else than that. Best for me is not seeing. I'm closing my eyes and learning to see blindfolded. Best for me is not feeling. At least not in the same place were I lost it.
I write because I put my dance into lyrics. I watch them create something I thought I wasn't able to. I watch them dance under my fingertips - they make me unconfident, unsure. I realise that words can make me even more vulnerable than body movements. I can't semi-express, I can't hide, I can't twist around my thoughts and just show emotions. Dancing with your fingertips is putting it all out there. Look. Here I am. And this is what is going on.
I write to forgive myself. That I'm finally forgetting you.
I'm forgiving myself that I am putting myself first. I'm forgiving myself that I am letting you slip away because it's for a better cause. I'm forgiving myself that I can't change what is done. And I'm forgiving myself that sometimes not getting what I want maybe a good stroke of luck.
I write because I exist.